Friday, February 24, 2012

Questions - Part 5 - "Dirt Magnet"

Okay, I know I've mentioned this before, but that was a specific instance of it happening, rather than just asking the broad question: How, and I guess why is dirt so attracted to my son?

Okay, I know it's not just my son that exhibits this phenomenon, but he's the only one I can speak of about it with any kind of assurance. Any time I try to closely observe another child to see how they interact with dirt, say at the park or out on the street, for some reason there's a lot of screaming and the police become involved. I'm 42 years old, and I think my days of blithely vaulting fences just ahead of the police, like some COPS warm-up act are just about over. The only way to get me to vault a fence now would be to set my ass on fire, and this blog doesn't mean that much to me!

So: the phenomenon.
Every time there is the slightest probablilty -- no, make that the slightest possibility of Handsome somehow getting some sort of dirt to stick to him somewhere, it does!

Just got dressed up, on the way somewhere? Mud on the pants.

The floor was just swept but the pile is still on the floor waiting for you to return with the dust pan? He walks by without his shoes on, his new socks, the blindingly white ones I just bought -- suddenly dirty to the knees. To the knees! How in the hell does one suddenly pick up dust all over socks to the knees inside his pants-legs? I mean, the pants-legs get dirty as well, I can almost understand that; they're there, the dust is there, it's like... Fate. But up by his knees on the inside of the pants? Houdini probably couldn't have figured out how my kid's doing it, and he's doing it by accident!

Anyone, upon walking onto the house, can tell at at glance what was the last thing, if not the last few things Handsome has eaten. There's no trick to it, no mumbo-jumbo. All you have to do is look at the front of my son's shirt, and the whole menu is on display!

Food seems to leap upon him! He doesn't even have to eat the food, he can just carry a dish into the other room for me and wham, he's wearing the mark of  the meal. And before anyone out there suggests something so mundane as a bib, I'd like to point out the strange, I guess almost frenzied way Handsome eats. I've seen him eat, and I'm not sure exactly how he does this, because I've never seen him eat at all violently while I've been there, but somehow the food gets everywhere! I mean, on his shirt, his pants, the floor, the furniture, nearby walls... I mean, is it normal for someone to get mashed potato in their eyebrow? It is in Handsome's world. It happens with surprising regularity.

Let me repeat that, just in case you weren't paying attention, and I'll enunciate for those of you sitting way back in the cheap seats: "Mashed potato... in his... eyebrow!"


Now, with all this dirt magnetism going on, you'd think that Handsome could use his powers for Good, right? You'd imagine that he could walk through a room and leave the floor sparkling in his wake. That he could eat a meal and then walk away from the table leaving behind not one crumb or smear of food on the table behind him, much less scattered across the floor about the legs of his chair. That he could, possibly, watch television for a half hour or so, then get up and walk outside on the deck to shake like a dog coming in from the rain, scattering dirt and dust from the TV room about the yard, where it damn well belongs!




Again, I don't know why it works this way, but some dirt, including food, is attracted to the boy, sticking to him no matter what, even finding its way through protective clothing if it must. But other dirt seems to be repelled by him, sloughing off him as he moves about the house like Pig-Pen in that old Charlie Brown comic strip. Unlike Pig Pen, however, my boy doesn't simply spread dirt and dust in his wake.

Oh no.

My boy leaves a trail of dirt, dust, food items, trash items, plates, cups, bottles of water both empty and not, discarded coats, hats, schoolbags, shoes, most of his clothes, and one sock.


That's another question I have... what's the deal with the one sock? I walk in and find the kid sitting at his computer, or in front of the television, and he's wearing one shoe and sock, the other foot bare, toes wiggling in the wind created by the front door he left open... and he can't explain the state of the door, shoe, or sock! How does this... no... no... I can't rant about that, I'm busy ranting about the dirt magnet thing... one moment...

*deep breathing sounds*

Okay, I'm back. And I'm okay. I'm calm. I'm okay.

So what we have here is a boy to whom some dirt sticks no matter what we do, and other dirt comes out of like a grubby Johnny Appleseed leaving a trail of filth behind him. If anyone out there had any idea as to why this happens, please, let me know.

I'm going to go lie down now.

Talk to you later!

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