tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-54320384674044469762024-03-14T03:45:51.408-04:00While You're Making Other Plans...This is my place to jot down the things that take me by surprise; that make me laugh, or make me cry, but happen while I'm making other plans...Unknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger567125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5432038467404446976.post-73974082310447513462017-12-20T05:06:00.000-05:002017-12-20T05:07:08.756-05:00Random 4 AM Thoughts A Week Before Christmas<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><img src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/jWzcmL9AwxsYVLBbX3CZLMiYTqbifT8tX9EGtVJ7dJjeqUHrqe5NyYVNZGjmnw0v4IVqj_ncnDnLjuk4AcjwJyou42EqYdxfUub1CcQwpCEVXjCLyaT8rHUt93lDKcPOsoxudcYP" /></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Greetings, WYMOP readers!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Some of you may be aware that I don't usually sleep all that much. Sometimes, though, I do try to get a little more shuteye; it just doesn't usually work very well. The following is some of what was running through my head while I was <i>trying</i> to get an extra hour in this past Sunday morning. It's not <i>all</i> of what I was thinking―I wasn't taking notes or anything―but I think I have most of the high points.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Ready? Welcome to my mind.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">~~**~~</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Okay. The clock says it’s 4:03 am, but the alarm’s set for 5:00. I mean, I have stuff to do, but I was trying to sleep in, at least a little. I can get back to sleep for another hour, right? That’d be a good thing, right?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I wouldn’t feel like I had so much to do this morning if I’d just gotten some done last night. Christ, why did I watch the ending—okay, the last hour and ten minutes—of <i>Let The Right One In </i>again, instead of working? I just watched the damned thing, well, most of it . . . okay the last hour, I think, the night before. Shit, has <i>Right One</i> turned into one of those films I have to watch the end of, no matter where or when I walk in on them, like <i>The Princess Bride</i>, or <i>The Highlander</i>? I mean, it <i>is</i> a fantastic vampire movie, but because it’s more about Oskar than Eli, and—</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">No, no, don’t do that. I’m trying to go back to sleep. Sleep, sleep, sleep. Sheep, sheep, sheep. Counting sheep. One-two-three-four-five-six-seven—and, God, just don’t think about Christmas.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Yeah, Christmas. Wheee . . .</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">What was that blog post I read the other day about people not really hating Christmas? That stressing about the season is kind of bullshit because everyone’s just naturally good at buying gifts? Yeah, talk about <i>bullshit</i>. And everyone’s really friendly and confident, and there’s<i> no way</i> social anxiety—shit, I hate labels like that, and here I am using one—shyness, or not being a <i>people person</i>, or whatever you want to call it, could translate into freaking out over whether someone’s going to like what you give them, or worrying that you’re going to look stupid, even to your own family, or—</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">What’s that sound? Is that . . . is that my heartbeat? Holy shot of adrenaline, Batman, that’s beating pretty hard there. <i>This</i> isn’t the way to get back to sleep. Where did all those sheep run off to? Ha-ha. All right, nestle into the pillow like so, adjust the legs like so, and the arms . . . Comfy? Yep. Okay, the sheep are gone—how about counting backward? One thousand, nine hundred ninety-nine, nine hundred ninety-eight—</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I mean at least I wasn’t watching <i>Clowntergeist</i> again. The story and writing in <i>Right One </i>are beautiful, but <i>Clowntergeist</i> is just . . . the best thing about that film is the kids. Kids, ha! They’re probably in their twenties. God I feel old.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">You think God feels old?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Okay, no, can’t do this to myself. I haven’t finished writing the <i>Clowntergeist</i> review because I actually get angry whenever I start going over it, and that’s not going to help me sleep. It’s like the old corner guy said in that boxing movie with Cuba Gooding Junior and Brian Dennehy and that kid from <i>Twin Peaks</i>. . . what was it called? <i>Gladiator</i>? “Anger is the enemy.” Yeah, the enemy. I can do this. I just have to relax. Relax. Think of something relaxing. Picture a pretty field, with tall grass, and goldenrod . . . okay, I wouldn’t actually know goldenrod if it bit me on the ass. Tall, sticky-uppy-outa-the-grassy flower thingies. They’re probably weeds. Whatever. Pretty. A pretty field with flower thingies here and there, and maybe a stream flowing past, or a river, maybe part of the Ipswich. Just sitting there, feeling the sun on my face, listening to the wind in the weeds and the soft murmur of the nearby water . . .</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I have to pee.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i>Dammit</i>! I have to pee pretty bad, too! Where the hell did this come from? I didn’t have to pee at <i>all</i> thirty seconds ago, was lying here just as comfy as could be, not even thinking I might have to pee or <i>anything</i>. Well this is—I don’t—wow, I guess I really <i>am</i> getting old, if this is the kind of—</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">You think God ever has to pee?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">No. No, this is bullshit. This is because I was thinking about that water running by. Nothing but the power of suggestion. I don’t really have to pee. If I ignore it, it’ll go away. Happens all the time at work, when I can’t get to a bathroom for a while. Besides, it’s—let me just stick my hand out from under the—yup, it’s cold as a well digger’s ass out there. I’m not putting a toe out from under this blanket. I’m ignoring the pee.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">There is no pee.</span><br />
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<i><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">No pee.</span></i><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Besides, getting up to go to the bathroom runs contrary to the idea of getting back to sleep, and that’s what I’m going to do, go back to sleep. I know! I’ll think of a peaceful desert. That’ll help me get to sleep <i>and</i> fight the phantom full bladder. Dry, dry, bone-ass dry. Sun and wind and sand and me.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I wonder if this’ll make me thirsty instead?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">*ALARM STARTLING THE CRAP OUT OF ME*</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Okay, I think I peed a little.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">~~**~~</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Talk to you later!</span>Rob Smaleshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02722186082049958329noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5432038467404446976.post-85030129639977269362017-11-20T20:40:00.002-05:002017-11-20T20:40:38.108-05:00The Laughter of the Gremlins<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Hey there, WYMOP readers!</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">So there are these gremlins, and they . . .</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Wait. Let me backtrack for the uninformed. There are little creatures out there in the world called gremlins, and they’re real. Did you just Google it? You did, I saw you. Well, I’m not talking about those things in the </span><a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0087363/?ref_=nv_sr_1" style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #1155cc; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: underline; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">1984 family horror movie</span></a><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">, cute little moppets with demonic acid reflux (“Don’t feed them at night . . .”). I’m talking about </span><a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gremlin" style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #1155cc; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: underline; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">gremlins</span></a><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">, the homicidally destructive little Luddites from the forties, who either delight in the destruction and malfunction of anything mechanical or else feed on it, depending who you’re talking to.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I’m not going to go into them in detail (I have other blog posts explaining about them </span><a href="http://lifeis-whathappens.blogspot.com/2013/03/interlude-ii-hungry-gremlins.html" style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #1155cc; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: underline; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">HERE</span></a><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> and </span><a href="https://lifeis-whathappens.blogspot.com/2013/05/whistle-whistle-whos-got-whistle.html" style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #1155cc; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: underline; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">HERE</span></a><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">), but I will point out that they seem to hate me—or maybe this is just the way they show their love?—and, at least where I’m concerned, have seriously expanded their repertoire from airplanes to include anything technological. They’ve messed with my cars, computers, mobile phones, MP3 players, digital cameras—even online servers and services that I’m physically nowhere near. Many people who know me, friends and folks who’ve dealt with me in the (ever more technological) writing world, have learned that to work alongside of me is to work alongside those techno-hating little asshats. Some have even learned to fear them.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">But planes. It all started with planes. Sometimes I think they miss those planes.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">So anyway, </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> was going to take a plane, was going to fly out to Colorado. The tickets had been purchased weeks ago, and I was going to ride through the skies on Southwest Airline. Southwest, in case you didn’t know, doesn’t assign seating with tickets. What you </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">can</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> get upon check-in is a </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">boarding assignment</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">: you board in order, and can sit anywhere you like. How this works out is that the first folks on the plane have their choice of seats, while the last two get to duke it out as to who gets the half-seat beside the bathroom door that doesn’t close all the way and who gets to sit beside the mother with the screaming child who smells strongly of poo.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I try to check in early and get myself a bit of wiggle room.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">You can check in twenty-four hours in advance of departure time, and that meant I’d be at work and checking in on my phone. No worries! I set a reminder alarm, and right when I hit the twenty-four-hour-early mark, I hit the CHECK IN button. </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Bang</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">, got myself an online boarding pass with a boarding assignment about halfway through the lot. Not bad! I downloaded the boarding pass into my phone, then went so far as to save the pass’s image in my photo gallery. I even tried downloading it again, just to be sure, but was told I’d already downloaded it. Would I like to download it again? </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">No</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">, I thought, </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">start messing around and redoing stuff and it’s just a chance for things to go wrong.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Sound thinking, right? Yeah, but I’d forgotten something . . .</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I woke the next morning—the day of the flight—and my first thought was to check on that boarding pass—just make sure everything was good to go, and that I had easy access to it so I wouldn’t cause a holdup at the airport.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Writing that makes me chuckle now. But I digress.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I opened my phone and looked for the boarding pass.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">And I looked.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">And I looked.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">There was no record of a boarding pass anywhere in my phone. Nothing in documents, images, or downloads. Since I’d manually saved the image, I checked the SD card, in case it’d been shunted over there. Nope, not as far as I could tell.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Okay</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">, I thought. </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">It’s got to be in here somewhere. I’m just not looking in the right place.</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> I decided to check the download history; no matter what strange place the phone had stored it, the download history would offer up a little map leading me right there.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The download history had no record of any electronic transactions taking place at all the previous day. </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">That’s not possible</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">, I thought. </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">When I tried to do it again, the damn system </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">told</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> me I’d already downloaded it! I saved the stupid thing as a picture, just to make sure! I . . . oh, shit.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I’d remembered the gremlins.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Okay,</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> I thought, </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">listen to Douglas Adams: don’t panic. There are redundancies built into the system just for boneheads like me.</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> And there were. I knew (from past, sad experience), that Southwest stores records of all these transactions on their own mainframe. All I had to do was log into my customer account with Southwest and I could download the boarding pass again—better yet, now that I was home I could just print the damn thing off and put the hard copy in my pocket; no more surprises.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I sat at my desk and brought up Southwest’s homepage, moused over to the login box—username and password fields already filled, since I’m lazy and took Chrome up on its offer to remember them for me—and clicked </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">sign in</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">We’re sorry, but we cannot complete that function at this time.</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Please try again later.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Seriously? I waited five minutes, and tried again.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">We’re sorry, but we cannot complete that function . . .</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I tried—with mounting distress—every five minutes, for about a half hour. Then, the message changed:</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Username and/or password incorrect.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“That can’t be,” I said aloud. “It’s saved—it’s the same username and password that worked yesterday!”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Username and/or password incorrect.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Username and/or password incorrect.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I was at this, becoming more agitated and vocal the whole while, for more than another half hour before the message changed again:</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">We’re sorry, but we cannot complete that function at this time.</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Please try again later.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“Gaaaah!”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">In a panic now (sorry, Douglas), I Googled </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">issues with Southwest login boarding pass</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">. Right at the top of the list was a link to a Southwest complaints page, last updated that morning. </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Fantastic!</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> I clicked in and found . . . about a hundred people, from all over the country, all complaining that they couldn’t download their boarding passes, and couldn’t even log into their Southwest accounts—and the first complaint had been lodged shortly after I’d attempted to check in from work the previous day.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“Oh, shit,” I said, staring at the screen. “I broke Southwest!”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Somewhere, off in the distance, I heard gremlins . . . laughing.</span></div>
<span id="docs-internal-guid-6cbf85ff-dc38-eaf5-8a4a-af994c50f97f"><br /></span>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Talk to you later.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">P.S. Southwest, it turns out, is fine. I actually wrote this </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i>in</i> Colorado. Friggin' gremlin sense of humor</span><span style="font-size: 12pt; white-space: pre-wrap;"> . . .</span></div>
Rob Smaleshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02722186082049958329noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5432038467404446976.post-49268987649515901922017-10-23T19:18:00.000-04:002017-10-23T19:18:10.454-04:00A Scene From Writing Life: Well Rested?<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Greetings, WYMOP readers!</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-gQz9KDFz-IQ/We54l_0O_rI/AAAAAAAADHk/bdYZ5goqA_gahb8jzsPiBiyukR1l2ikpgCLcBGAs/s1600/jack-o-lantern12.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="523" data-original-width="555" height="188" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-gQz9KDFz-IQ/We54l_0O_rI/AAAAAAAADHk/bdYZ5goqA_gahb8jzsPiBiyukR1l2ikpgCLcBGAs/s200/jack-o-lantern12.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I took October off from work. The whole damn month, just </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">whoosh</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">, I was gone. I had the vacation time, and I had stuff to do, so I took it.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">But I didn’t keep it. I know: dumb, right?</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">For whatever reason, I went to my bosses early last month and told them I’d give back the weeks. I just needed the week</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">ends</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">—I had events to go to every Saturday and Sunday (and some Fridays) in October. Since my office is chronically (and stupidly, but you didn’t hear that from me) short-staffed, they jumped at the chance to have another warm body in the building. Which begs the question: how many </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">cold</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> bodies do they have in the building?</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">But that’s another story, one that might require one of those </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I have a letter with my lawyer, to be opened if I disappear or turn up dead</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> scenarios. My point today is, I don’t think they understood what I meant by the words </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I have events</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The first weekend was a bit of a mess, and I didn’t wind up doing anything I’d intended, events or work-wise.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The second weekend was </span><a href="http://rockandshock.com/" style="text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #1155cc; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: underline; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Rock & Shock</span></a><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">, a three-day horror/music extravaganza held in Worcester at both the DCU Center </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">and</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> the Palladium (yup, it’s pretty big). I commuted to it (90 minutes each way, barring traffic) and when I wasn’t sitting on a panel answering writing questions from the audience, I spent all three days standing on a solid cement floor helping man the </span><a href="http://nehw.blogspot.com/" style="text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #1155cc; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: underline; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">New England Horror Writers</span></a><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">’ booth, trying to sell books to the thousands of people walking by—many of them cosplaying everything from zombies to death gods, or carrying fairly real-looking severed heads they just bought at the movie special-effects booth down the way.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Sometimes funny, sometimes surreal, but always the opposite of </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">relaxing.</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> I spent the week back at work recovering. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">This past Friday I ran around doing things I hadn’t gotten done while I was at Rock & Shock and wouldn’t have a chance to do any other time soon: shopping, cleaning, and laundry, culminating in cutting the grass until it was too dark to see, pushing a lawnmower that, though once self-propelled, is now Rob-propelled (thank </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">you</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">, broken gearbox!). I’ll replace the mower someday, but for the moment I’m just calling it a workout and saying it’s good for me. Some people might (and </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">have</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">) said I’m not replacing the mower because I’m cheap, but </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> say . . . okay, yeah, I’m cheap. But it </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">is</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> a workout, so Friday night I was exhausted.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I wasn’t much better Saturday morning, when I drove out to the Merrimack Valley Halloween Book Festival in Haverhill, MA, to try to sell books again. It was a terrific event at the Haverhill Public Library, with writers like Brian Keene, Mary SanGiovanni, Tim Lebbon, and Joe Hill. Even with that competition, I managed to sell books . . . but I bought books, too. In fact, I bought $1 more worth of books than I sold.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I don’t have a problem. I can stop buying books whenever I want. Really.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Yesterday, after selling and buying my way through Saturday, I got up, dragged my ass into the car, and drove it off to Marlborough, to the second day of Super MegaFest. When I wasn’t sitting on a panel titled “So, You Want to be a Writer?” I was standing on another solid cement floor, helping man the NEHW booth again. I was worried I’d begun hallucinating by then, but I was assured there really </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">was</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> someone there dressed as Deadpool riding a unicorn, and the tall, skinny Spider-Man walking around probably </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">wasn’t</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> wearing underwear. </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Yeesh!</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">When I got home last night all I wanted was to curl up and go to sleep. Instead, I moved furniture to make room for the bookcases that I then assembled, all to make a place to put the books I’d bought in Haverhill on Saturday. And the books piled on the floor in front of the old bookcases. And the books in the big box keeping me from opening my closet door.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Don’t look at me like that. I could stop if I wanted to. Seriously. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">So this morning, when I walked into work already thinking about <a href="https://usm.maine.edu/planet/ghost-hour-0" target="_blank">the reading in Maine</a> I’m driving to this Friday evening and the Saturday/Sunday tent sale I’m doing with the NEHW in downtown Salem (because everyone in the world will be in Salem for Halloween weekend), my boss didn’t get the response he’d hoped for when he said:</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“Lots of mail today, and a couple of sick calls, so it’s a good thing you’re all well rested from your weekends off, huh?”</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><img alt="Facepalm.gif" height="208" src="https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/0NvPCVQPRMP_JbY77qH6ew_9QNHbogzfwdmPN7QtBEf66ukpzbNKiC_PDLqJ06Gu5SfD8DJb4wRUS64j0OEMwhdVgwfjux6oPV8KdSLjU_md5Nih916xaYJoEdqoM4E_vS0bTwvB" style="-webkit-transform: rotate(0.00rad); border: none; transform: rotate(0.00rad);" width="268" /></span></div>
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Yeah. I'll talk to you later. When I've recovered. Again.</div>
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Rob Smaleshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02722186082049958329noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5432038467404446976.post-54466364509561796862017-09-25T21:58:00.000-04:002017-09-26T19:30:33.584-04:0035 Is The Loneliest Number<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 700; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 700; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Warning: there are nasty bits ahead, dealing with both humans and animals.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 700; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">You have been warned.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Greetings, WYMOP readers.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">One week ago today I was at work, zipping along from door to door delivering the mail, when something happened that brought me up short. I opened a storm door—we’d been through a cool spell, and four or five flies buzzed out, the suction of the opening door jerking them rudely from where they’d been huddled into that sun-warmed space—and thrust the bundle of letters and catalogues through the slot. The spring-loaded cover snapped shut, but not before the entering bundle had displaced some of the air from inside the apartment, forcing it out in a puff directly in my face, and I smelled—</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-left: 36pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 36pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">A few years ago, after striper fishing on a trestle bridge across a 4 a.m. tide, I was walking back out to my car as the sun was coming up, and found a deer on the tracks. It had either A) been hit by a train passing in the night (which I chose to believe, though I hadn’t seen the deer on the way in, and no trains had passed while I’d been there), or B) something large enough to take down a deer had been at work in the dark, maybe a hundred yards from where I’d been cutting my bait and casting my line by the bright light of a propane lantern (do you blame me for choosing to believe the phantom train option?). I was saddened at the sight (after choosing option A), but what could I do? I walked on, and the next night the deer was gone, removed by, I assume, MBTA employees.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-left: 36pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 36pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">A week later, walking in to the same spot by daylight to fish a late-night tide, I was met by a smell on the tracks. Faint at first, it grew rapidly as I walked. By the time I reached the spot where I’d found the deer the previous week, it was an eye-watering, throat-closing, stomach-churning stink, the like of which I’d never experienced, and I’d known some world-class gas-passers as a kid. I’d smelled stink bombs, hand-tossed buckets of chum out while fishing, and cleaned up after a dog getting sick from eating garbage, but I’d never encountered a stench like this. Following my nose—because I’m just as susceptible to “Hey, look at this, it’s gross!” as anyone—I moved to the side of the tracks to peer down the embankment into the bushes.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-left: 36pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 36pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The deer lay where the MBTA people had tossed it (or, if you believe option B above, where it had been dragged to be eaten in peace), and it didn’t look good. I won’t go into the details of how the corpse had burst due to gas expansion (or, option B, something had been eating it), or how the first things to decompose were the softest bits (or, as always, option B—the more I go on, the harder it is for me to stick with option A); luckily, most of those details were obscured by the thick surrounding brush. But one thing the brush could not obscure was the odor, and that is a memory that just won’t fade. I’ll never forget the smell of—</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">—death.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I backed away from the door in hurry, then went to the truck for my phone.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“Hello?”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“Hi. This is the mailman out here at [one of the senior housing areas I deliver to]. I’m not sure what to call it, other than a wellness check, so I guess I’m calling in a wellness check on Mr. F out here at number thirty-five.”</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“A wellness check at thirty-five?”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“Yes,” I said. “But it’s not a hopeful one. I, uh, I think we lost him about a week ago.”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“Excuse me?”</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“There’s a smell.”</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“Oh! I’m sending someone right away.”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">And she was gone. I didn’t even mind that she’d hung up on me, as I’d realized by then that I could smell the hand holding the phone. I forget where I read it, but I’ve had a phrase stuck in my head for years: </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">all smells are particulate in nature</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">. This means if you can smell a thing, then microscopic bits of that thing are floating through the air into your nose, and if there are enough of those tiny bits, they register on your schnozz’s scent receptors—and humans, as a species, have shit for scent receptors. This told me that not only had I sucked in a good double-lungful of old Mr. F, that puff of air had coated my hand with a nice thick invisible Mr. F glove.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I walked, in a manly fashion but with speed, to the washroom by the facility’s laundry.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The soap dispenser was empty.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I stood there with the hot water running over my hand for about a minute, parboiling my flesh and wishing someone out there would do me a favor and turn up the water heater to a higher temperature. Something appropriate for cooking lobsters would have been nice. By the time I’d stopped scalding myself and delivered my way around the complex and back to my truck, the man from the Housing Authority had arrived.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“What unit?”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“Thirty-five.”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“Okay, and there’s a lot of mail built up or something?”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“Dunno, it’s all inside. But there’s a smell . . .”</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“Oh, no.”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“Yeah. And it’s strong . . .”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Mr. Housing Authority went to the door, but didn’t open it; he called 911 and let the responding officer do it. While the officer was there the fire department showed up. While the fire department was there, a pair of detectives arrived. The detectives pulled me aside from the crowd to talk to me, trying to find out the last time anyone had seen Mr. F. From my answer (“Had to be </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">last</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> Monday, I think,”) and the state of Mr. F himself, they agreed with my first assessment: he’d been in there roughly seven days. Now there was a crowd, but he’d been alone in there for about a week.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I mentioned it to a couple of people that day, and one of them responded with a single sentence that summed up exactly how I felt about it:</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Such a lonely way to go</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">That’s just what I was thinking while trying to sterilize my hand: </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">what a lonely way to go.</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> And the odd thing was, I’d recently come to the conclusion that the whole little community that </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">was</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> that senior housing facility was a terrific thing, that though many of them had outlived their spouses (some even their kids), they weren’t alone in the world; they were living their own lives with other folks like themselves, all of them keeping an eye on one another.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">But right in the middle of all this </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">community</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">, Mr. F managed to disappear for a week, slowly turning into something no parent wants their child to see, to know, to have as a memory to carry with them once that parent is gone. And I remembered my son had been worried about me recently, having heard me say I have no friends. Some people reading this may become a little incensed at that, demanding that </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">they</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> are my friends, and I’d have to agree with them. I would also explain, as I did with my son, that I’d misspoken.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">What I meant was that I don’t have anyone I hang out with, no one I see on a regular basis. I’m part of a daily work community, and an even larger writing community, but I don’t see them socially. I like some people I work with, love some of the writers I know, but if I’m not actually at work, or at a writers’ event, no one expects to </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">see</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> me. I understand that, and it’s just the way I am, and it doesn’t really bother me.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Until now.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I have a story coming out soon about someone afraid of growing old; the young man looks at his decrepit grandfather and asks </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Is that Father’s future? Is it mine?</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> I find myself, a relatively young man from a fairly long-lived family who isolates himself within the community, looking at Mr. F, an old man dying alone, isolated within his community, and I can’t help but ask . . . </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">is that my future?</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Usually I write some kind of wrap-up, or attempt a snappy ending on these things, but not today. I can’t put an ending on it because I’m not done thinking. I liked Mr. F, and I’m glad I never actually saw him Monday, so I can simply remember him the way he always was. I’ve spoken with young Mr. F, old Mr. F’s son, and I’m glad I found his father so he didn’t have to, for exactly the same reason. </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Very</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> glad. And I wonder if, someday, my own son will have a similar talk with a mailman, or meter reader, or, God forbid, a pair of Jehovah's Witnesses.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I just wonder.</span></div>
<span id="docs-internal-guid-3ad69a34-bbe3-9a90-7f49-729873f52424"></span><br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Talk to you later.</span></div>
Rob Smaleshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02722186082049958329noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5432038467404446976.post-81624697595997233642017-08-28T20:16:00.000-04:002017-08-28T20:37:21.842-04:00Inner Strength<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Greetings, WYMOP readers!</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Ever have a craving? I did. I was driving around this afternoon running a couple of errands, doing a little food shopping, and it was while I was at the grocery store, surrounded by shelves of food, that the craving hit. But was it for anything I’d find on those shelves? Of course not!</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Have you ever heard of Brothers Deli? If you live around here you have. Family-run establishments, incredible home-style food, and portions large enough to make an NFL linebacker look at the plate and say </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Damn! You want me to eat all </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">that</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">?</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> What I was craving was their chicken pie. Brothers’ chicken pie with mashed potatoes and corn, the whole thing slathered with gravy. Would it be a lot of food? Yes. Did I plan to eat the whole thing? </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Hell yes!</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">So on my way back to the house, I stopped in at Brothers in Danvers, got in line, glanced up at the menu board—and froze.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Yankee Pot Roast.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">It was right there on the board, and it looked so good. I mean, the words were right there, and the image they conjured in my mind looked </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">fabulous</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">. I’d had it before, of course, and it sure gave the chicken pie a run for its money. It was so good, if I hadn’t come there specifically </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">for</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> the chicken pie, I might have been tempted to get the pot roast. But there was the chicken pie, higher up on the board, and . . . and . . .</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">And I was tempted to get the pot roast instead. </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Dammit!</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">No, I’d come there for the chicken pie, and I’d stick to my guns . . . just like that delicious pot roast would stick to my ribs if I’d change my mind. Just change my mind a </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">little</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">. Because it wasn’t like Brothers was out of my way or anything; there was nothing stopping me from coming back tomorrow to get the chicken pie. Of course, there was nothing stopping me from coming back tomorrow and getting the pot roast either.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">No, no, I’d come there specifically to </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">get</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> the pot roast, so if I was going to—no, wait, I meant the chicken pie. Right? The pot roast was my </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">second</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> choice, so if I just went with my gut and got the Yankee Chicken Pot Pie Roast I could come back for . . . no, wait a minute—</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“Next!”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Shit.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><img alt="21175083_10211983277835871_883792017_n.jpg" height="267" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/aOoxpGhfAoUHwJdUCO_pSzv6wG1nILEjCBzxHNcWPLbtvbZl07J_eLLyGxT9ftAai7TJBECfeHf4K02iEu03aLLH_eDZCA3wWmb1ZFjAAYtNix9r8Lm1EpWK_LBpIAChQsF2rWxR" style="-webkit-transform: rotate(0.00rad); border: none; transform: rotate(0.00rad);" width="445" /></span></div>
<b id="docs-internal-guid-fc62f036-2a00-21d2-040e-4bbe22a69b1b" style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Yup, that’s right. I got both. But not to worry, there’s no way I could </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">eat</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> both. Not in the same sitting. I brought these bad boys in and sat them down, just as you see here. I looked them over carefully. I smelled them, felt the weight of them, and pondered. Then, showing an inner strength I’d not exhibited at the restaurant, I slapped the cover back on the chicken pie (shown in all its chickeny deliciousness on the left) and went with the pot roast (depicted in all its carroty-corny-beefy glory on the right), saving the wonders of the chicken pie for tomorrow. I manfully pushed the closed container aside, digging into the pot roast with gusto (translation: with a big pile of napkins at hand, for I am sometimes a slob) while calling up the document I was currently editing on my tablet.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I worked and ate, masticated and cogitated, dined and edited . . . and then the pot roast was gone.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I had a sad.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I pushed the empty plate to the side, opposite the full, weighty, fantastic-smelling chicken pie. With the perfect, poultry-filled pastry on my left, and the once glorious plate of now empty sadness to my right, I pulled the tablet closer in the middle and got back to work on that chicken pie. Excuse me, on the </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">document</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">. My inner strength had failed me while standing in line, under pressure to make a decision, but it had made a serious comeback when I’d pushed that covered plate to my left, and it wasn’t going to fail me now.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I focused on the task at hand, working on the document, scrolling almost non-stop all the way to the end.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> . . .Then I scrolled back to where I’d started when I realized I’d not read a word, so busy had I been not thinking about the chicken p—</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">No! No, I wouldn’t even think the name. I’d just scroll more slowly this time, focusing hard on the words on the tablet. I leaned closer—so close nothing existed for me for a time but the small screen that had become my world, my everything, my . . . my . . . hey, was it just me, or did my tablet smell like chicken pie?</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Dammit</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">!”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Perhaps I should move the pie away from me? Put it in the fridge, where I could no longer see or smell it? But no, that would be admitting weakness. What about my vaunted inner strength? What about my vow that it wouldn’t fail me again, as it had in Brothers? That wonderful scent wouldn’t be enough to break my will. Hell, with my strength of character, the </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">sight</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> of the thing wouldn’t be enough to weaken me!</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">To prove my point, I pulled the chicken pie over in front of me and tore off the lid. </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">See?</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> I thought. </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Oh, sure, it </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">looks</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> fantastic, and I know it tastes out of this world, but just the sight of it isn’t enough to make me weaken, is it? Of </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">course</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> not! Although . . . with the lid off like this I can </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">really</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> smell it now . . . and it’s, like, right in my face. Wow, I guess it’s a good thing I hadn’t put any utensils with the pie. Of course, my pot roast dish is right there . . . and there’s a spoon . . .</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><img alt="21175281_10211983283636016_601046899_n.jpg" height="249" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/9abteGqYU3DjvL-MzedstQSqkewdtgEKDW0I2KNjSrYER4FPVoSPiJjG6GhtmMyklwD_PzaZZBWQp-Algl4LSYv6zWOOLUzZEWsD46UJctx2NYU5F1zgjxqwJ-b0WwB1m4xSpUyI" style="-webkit-transform: rotate(0.00rad); border: none; transform: rotate(0.00rad);" width="415" /></span></div>
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<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Shit.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Well, if my inner strength isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, at least I know it’s not weak from hunger, right?</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Incidentally, this blog post has turned into a request for aid. I’m currently trapped at the table, unable to move. I’ve tried calling out for help, but I’m so goddamned stuffed I can’t draw a full breath, and the only noise I can make is a wheezy sort of moan that sounds just a touch like Stephen Hawking being kicked in the nuts. If there’s anyone with a tow truck, or a winch, or, hell, even just a strong back, who could drag my incredibly overfull ass off to the bathroom before things get desperate, I sure would appreciate it.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Talk to you later!</span></div>
Rob Smaleshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02722186082049958329noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5432038467404446976.post-36512538441603110722017-07-31T21:29:00.004-04:002017-07-31T21:31:33.805-04:00Narf<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Greetings, WYMOP readers!</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Recently, Handsome (my son) and Miss D (his girlfriend) had their first anniversary. If you’ve read </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #1155cc; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: underline; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><a href="http://lifeis-whathappens.blogspot.com/2017/01/your-mission-should-you-choose-to.html" target="_blank">my post about the break-in we performed last Christmas morning</a></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">, you may have some idea what lengths Handsome will go to to surprise and impress the girl. He plans in advance, gathers his materials, makes sure of his timing, and executes. I sometimes help out in these little ventures: with regard to Miss D, I am the Robin to his Batman, the Watson to his Holmes.</span></div>
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<a href="https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/eWNMzgAdm_kJ-XQHih3yGFiD98ZsNWMe5MCkfLufIlli88VGs8Fr4j3QNn72ItPK_YxUkXtCwN4-8ztGAF1daegc0DolAWSuYhD2EzmCAG8iP6a_WoR_txR9QjJWF6dqsQTMtI-4" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="narf.jpeg" border="0" height="98" src="https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/eWNMzgAdm_kJ-XQHih3yGFiD98ZsNWMe5MCkfLufIlli88VGs8Fr4j3QNn72ItPK_YxUkXtCwN4-8ztGAF1daegc0DolAWSuYhD2EzmCAG8iP6a_WoR_txR9QjJWF6dqsQTMtI-4" style="border: none; cursor: move; transform: rotate(0rad);" width="133" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pinky_and_the_Brain#Pinky" target="_blank"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #1155cc; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: underline; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I am the Pinky to his Brain. Narf</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">.</span></a></div>
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<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">So it was no real surprise to me when, for their anniversary, he had a plan. Since it was summertime they could spend the whole day together, followed by dinner at a local place they both like. After dinner the day would culminate in a romantic little picnic dessert at a nearby park with a public rose garden—dessert he would bake himself.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Most of the women reading this just made a little </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Aww</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> sound, didn’t you?</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The big day was on a Saturday, so the baking happened on Friday. It was my weekend off, and his mom was away, so it fell to me to make sure he didn’t burn the house down. Actually, all I did was sit at the dining room table and work on some editing while he destroyed the kitchen. Ingredients we had purchased and packed neatly away days earlier (none of that boxed shit for Miss D, no sir) came out and spread themselves around—sometimes </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">way</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> around. There were pans and pots and bowls and spoons—no two spoons used twice, apparently, just grab a fresh one—and, of course, food.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I did help out in the middle, when he needed an extra pair of hands. Hard to make three different desserts, pretty much at the same time, when you’ve barely ever baked before, in a small kitchen, all while thumbing rapidly back and forth between three recipes downloaded to a phone. He was doing it, though, so I helped out where I was asked, tried to get the pots and pans he claimed he was finished with into the dishwasher and out of his way, and went back to my editing.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I’m a pretty good sidekick. Narf.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">By the time he was done, even with my efforts to tidy a bit mid-process, the kitchen looked like food had just had a frat party. The chocolate chips lay passed out on the counter with the baker’s chocolate, looking like one or both of them had a walk of shame in their future. The flour had thrown up on the floor. Twice. What was left of the eggs huddled, cartonless, in the corner like high-schoolers who’d crashed the party, realized they were in over their heads, and never made it out. The measuring spoons were assaulting the measuring cups, the </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 7.199999999999999pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: super; white-space: pre-wrap;">⅛</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> tsp raised and waving in the air as the whole set let out a drunken “Whooo! Whooo! Whooo!”</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">In the midst of this chaos, however, on the counter beside the (nearly unrecognizable) stove, lay two pans and an egg carton. The pans contained two kinds of brownies (blueberry and frosted zucchini—and yes, the frosting was made from scratch), while the egg carton—aside from explaining why the eggs lay exposed on the counter—contained chocolate-filled strawberries, each nestled into its own little cup. The boy looked happy. The boy looked tired. The boy looked about the frat-party kitchen and his expression went a little less happy.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“Sorry, kid,” I said with a grin. “The cleanup is part of the process.”</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I helped clean up some, right at the end. I’m still a good sidekick. Narf.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The next morning was the big day. I was writing in the dining room while Handsome played video games. Time passed. Handsome appeared at my elbow.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“D just texted,” he said. “Her mom should be dropping her off in about a half an hour.”</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“Roger that.”</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The boy jumped in the shower, got dressed . . . and then broke out a bunch of tupperware, a knife, some brownie pans, and the picnic basket. He’d done all the baking, then all (okay, </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">most</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">) of the cleanup the previous day, but neglected to cut up and pack away his homemade treats in preparation for the surprise picnic—something that might be hard to do once Miss D was actually </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">in the house</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">. He made two cuts, and popped out a single brownie.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“They’re here,” I said.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">You know that thing you see in cartoons, when someone is surprised, and their eyes get so big they actually pop off their face? I had no idea that was a real thing.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“What?”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“They’re here,” I repeated, pointing through the window to the SUV parked in the driveway, Miss D already slamming her door and waving goodbye to her mother.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Those huge eyes shot down to the knife, picnic basket, two brownie pans, and four tupperware containers scattered across the counter, then back through the window to where Miss D was </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">running</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> up the front stairs.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“Crap!”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Panicked hilarity ensued. There was grabbing, there was tossing, there was desperate whisper-shouting. There was the juggling of tupperware and a quick sprint to his old bedroom, right off the kitchen, where everything wound up sprawled on his old bed and the door slammed. I stalled Miss D in the kitchen while Handsome washed brownie off his fingers in the bathroom. There was barely controlled breathing and Oscar-caliber acting while Miss D was greeted and escorted downstairs to watch a movie before they actually went anywhere.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I breathed a sigh of relief and got to work.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Ten minutes later the boy came bounding up the stairs. “I told D I had to use the bathroom,” he whispered as he passed me washing my hands in the kitchen. “Can you help? I have to get everything done before she comes looking for me.” He dashed into his old room. He came out a second later, looking confused.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“Where is it?”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“TV room,” I said.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">He dashed into the TV room, then came out, still confused. “Where?”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I walked to the doorway and pointed in. “There.”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">He looked over my shoulder, starting to sound a little panicked. “Where?”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I walked across the TV room to the corner where the couch and loveseat butt together, leaving a void. I pointed down. “There.”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Nestled into the void, invisible unless you were looking almost straight down at it, was a neatly-packed picnic basket full of tupperwared brownies. He looked down at it, then up at me. “I guess fourteen years of being the Easter Bunny paid off,” he said, and then he hugged me—and he’s a big kid, and an excellent hugger. “Thanks, Dad.”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">And he went back downstairs to watch the movie, take his lady-love to dinner, and surprise her with a sunset picnic in a rose garden, said lady-love none the wiser.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Narf.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Talk to you later!</span></div>
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" class="YOUTUBE-iframe-video" data-thumbnail-src="https://i.ytimg.com/vi/GBkT19uH2RQ/0.jpg" frameborder="0" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/GBkT19uH2RQ?feature=player_embedded" width="320"></iframe></div>
Rob Smaleshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02722186082049958329noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5432038467404446976.post-77074854669173603622017-07-03T22:06:00.001-04:002017-07-03T22:13:04.979-04:00Ding-Ding Punching The Heat Miser<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "bookman old style"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "bookman old style"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Greetings, WYMOP fans!</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "bookman old style"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Okay, it’s July. It's been hot. And humid. And hot. And gross. And did I mention hot?</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "bookman old style"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">To kind of get our minds off all that hot humid grossness, I’d like to share an excerpt from one of my stories in the recently released anthology, </span><a href="https://www.amazon.com/Insanity-Tales-III-Seasons-Collection-ebook/dp/B072C5TFJZ/" style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #1155cc; font-family: "bookman old style"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: underline; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Insanity Tales III: Seasons of Shadow</span></a><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "bookman old style"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">. We were writing about seasons (hence the subtitle, duh Rob), and I happened to pen a winter tale, called “Tracks in the Snow.”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "bookman old style"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Snow, get it? No gross, humid, or hot.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "bookman old style"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">So, to place you in this story, some schoolchildren have noticed a set of mysterious sled tracks on the snow-covered hill outside their classroom window, just two days before Christmas. They’ve brought them to the attention of their teacher, Mr. Garabedian—the oldest teacher in their school—and he’s settled in to tell them the story of the tracks in the snow.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "bookman old style"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">~ ~ * * ~ ~</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "bookman old style"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“Back in 1965—yes, ancient history, I know—before the hill even had a name, there was a little boy named Willie. He was eight years old, as I recall, and curious, as are most boys of that age. In his snooping about the house in the week prior to Christmas, he discovered a cache of presents his parents planned to give him on the morning of the holiday, and in among the other toys was a sled: a brand new Flexible Flyer.”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "bookman old style"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">He shook his head at us. “You probably wouldn’t understand, with your sleds of today—flat sheets of soulless plastic—but the sleds of my boyhood were things of beauty, with bright red runners and the wood polished to a high sheen, a red arrow running the length of the deck and the words </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "bookman old style"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: small-caps; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Flexible Flyer</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "bookman old style"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> emblazoned across the steering stick in vivid blue. They were the kind of thing to catch the eye and capture the imagination, and for young Willie it certainly did both. Though he didn’t let on to his parents that he knew about his coming prize, it seems to have preyed upon his mind, and lured him into foolishness.”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "bookman old style"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">He gestured toward Bobby. “Just like today, Mr. Urabus, it was two days before Christmas, and snow was expected in the night. I don’t know what’s going to happen this evening, but back in 1965, we got snow.” </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "bookman old style"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“Wait,” I said. “You mean you’re from Willowdale, Mr. Garabedian?”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "bookman old style"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“Yes, Mr. Acadia,” he confirmed, mildly annoyed at my interruption. “I am. The snow started before Willie would’ve gone to bed, and it is presumed he lay there, awake, watching the world outside disappear beneath its own wintry blanket. The snowfall, combined with the draw of the beautiful sled, proved too much for the boy. One imagines him listening to the house fall silent as first his older brother, and then his parents, went to bed. He gave them enough time to fall soundly asleep, and then he was up and dressing, pulling on snow pants and winter boots, donning his parka, hat, and mittens, and sneaking into the basement to fetch his new sled and take it for a ride.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "bookman old style"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“He came to the hill you see right outside—it was one he knew, the children all went sledding here, even then—and it was far enough from his house he may have thought not to get caught. And right out there, in the dark of night, little Willie took his new sled for a test drive. And it </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "bookman old style"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">was</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "bookman old style"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> dark. I want you to understand that. The school did not look as you see it today: in 1965 there were no floodlights mounted on the building, illuminating the schoolyard and its environs through the night. And the neighborhoods to the far side of the hill, where many of you now live, did not exist. This school stood on the edge of town back then, and where now there are streets and houses, fifty years ago there was nothing but forest for miles. Willowdale has grown in the past five decades, and the forest has shrunk, but there was still quite a wilderness about in my youth.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "bookman old style"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“There was a great deal of discussion about it afterward, and a great deal of conjecture, but it’s assumed little Willie thought he’d be all right as long as he could see the school; he’d still be able to orient himself and find his way home.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "bookman old style"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“It was also assumed that, though Willie was aware of the snow, he was thinking of it in the same terms as our Mr. Urabus, here”—he pointed to Bobby—“as nothing more than a day off from school. He was not, we think, paying attention to the actual weather reports. What began as enough snow to sled in rapidly became what would eventually be called ‘The Blizzard of ’65.’”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "bookman old style"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">He paused, staring out at the thin parallel tracks in the snow, and his blue eyes looked unfocused. “It was the worst snowstorm in Willowdale’s history,” he said, almost speaking to himself. Then he looked at the class, as if remembering we were there, and raised his voice again. “Whiteout conditions, the kind of weather where you can’t see your hand before your face. By the time he realized it, Willie must’ve lost the school. Rather than going home, he struck out in the wrong direction, found himself instead in the woods, and then became completely lost. When his family woke on the morning of the twenty-fourth, it was to find Willie’s bed empty and his play clothes and new sled gone.”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "bookman old style"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Mr. Garabedian paused, eyeballing us.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "bookman old style"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“He never made it home.”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "bookman old style"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">~ ~ * * ~ ~</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "bookman old style"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">And things go downhill from there (ba-dum bum).</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "bookman old style"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Sorry. I couldn’t resist.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "bookman old style"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">But you see? Cold, wintry, snowy thoughts. Did it work? Did you feel the chill? Or do you still feel like punching the Heat Miser in the ding-ding?</span></div>
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-4maL7b8pBaU/WVr5YeZQhdI/AAAAAAAAC70/kO8N0T6ISHgHjKayBkeyBf-mVWgZ_OCpQCLcBGAs/s1600/heat_miser_ya.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="698" data-original-width="1412" height="158" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-4maL7b8pBaU/WVr5YeZQhdI/AAAAAAAAC70/kO8N0T6ISHgHjKayBkeyBf-mVWgZ_OCpQCLcBGAs/s320/heat_miser_ya.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "bookman old style"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "bookman old style"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Personally, I’d kind of like to ding-ding punch the Heat Miser. But that’s me.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "bookman old style"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "bookman old style"; font-size: 11pt; white-space: pre-wrap;">Keep cool! Talk to you later.</span><span id="docs-internal-guid-5928d1a4-0b57-1c91-5b56-5322db814e07"></span>Rob Smaleshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02722186082049958329noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5432038467404446976.post-58701672877256497362017-06-05T22:45:00.005-04:002017-06-05T22:47:10.807-04:00Shopping Happy, Driving Crappy, New Book's Snappy!<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Greetings, WYMOP readers!</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I have two things to mention this week: a little fun, and then a little business.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">First, the fun:</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">*********</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I was having a good day, and I was grocery shopping.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">If you’ve ever </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">been</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> grocery shopping with me when I was having a good day, you probably understand what that means, but for the less shopped-with, I’ll elaborate: there was singing and whistling along with the music from the overhead speakers, plus the occasional surreptitious dance move when I thought no one was looking.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Yeah, I’m one of </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">those</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> guys.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I’d whistled my way through check-out (yes, the people around me were most likely wishing death upon me, or maybe an aneurysm, or at </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">least</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> that one of my goddamn lips would fall off), told my cashier to have a good day, told my bagger to have a good day, told the grumpy-looking woman who blocked my exit for a couple of minutes while she reorganized her coupons to be ready for next week’s shopping trip to have a good day (I think she was one of the lip-falling-off-wish people), and was strolling out to my car behind a half-loaded shopping cart. I’d consciously decided to stroll, rather than get a running start and jump on the back of the cart, riding it across the lot yelling “Weeeee!” and making </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">vroom-vroom</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> race car noises; it was a fine, sunny day, and I wasn’t in a rush, and besides, there was a big old car coasting down the aisle toward me.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The big old car stopped, and its directional started flashing. I saw a little old woman behind the wheel of the big old car—she was more than mere knuckles on the steering wheel, but not by much—and noticed she was waiting to turn into one of the three vacant spots to the left of my car. I wouldn’t have been in her way even if I were loading up my trunk at the time, but she had no way of knowing that, and she was being nice enough to wait for me to pass (unlike the sour-faced coupon woman). I pulled my cart to a halt and waved her on, letting the sweet little lady get on with taking her space and getting in the store.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Now we enter a very subjective part of my day, a sort of </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">slowtime</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">, where one second seems like ten, and ten seconds can last forever. Fans of </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The Matrix</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> know what I’m talking about—if someone had fired a gun at me right then, I’d have had plenty of time to watch the bullet soar slowly past because my mind was cranking along at roughly the speed of light on crack.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">All in the space of an actual second, though it seemed more like a minute, I noticed four things.</span></div>
<ol style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<li dir="ltr" style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; list-style-type: decimal; margin-left: 36pt; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">She wasn’t going for the spot to the far left of me, or even the middle space available; she was trying to snug her battleship right up beside my defenseless little Mini—a Mini that’s already been hit twice by other drivers, both times right in front of me.</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span></div>
</li>
<li dir="ltr" style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; list-style-type: decimal; margin-left: 36pt; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Either she’d not pulled the wheel </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">quite</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> enough, or the gunboat she was piloting was designed to have a turning radius a third again as wide as every other car in existence.</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span></div>
</li>
<li dir="ltr" style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; list-style-type: decimal; margin-left: 36pt; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The right front bumper of her car, the point even now lumbering toward my innocent, unsuspecting little vehicle, bore a dent wide and deep enough that you could have shoved a football helmet all the way into it and wiggled it around a bit and with no risk of even scratching the paint job on the brain bucket. Either she’d been the victim of a howitzer attack (that building she was driving </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">could</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> have been mistaken for an M1 Abrams), or she’d missed this kind of turn before. Maybe lots of times.</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span></div>
</li>
<li dir="ltr" style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; list-style-type: decimal; margin-left: 36pt; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">And I believed in Jesus, because I started talking to him right away.</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span></div>
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<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“Oh, Christ!”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">That was as far as I got, because I burst into a case of fear-sweat so profound it sucked all the spit from my tongue as fuel. “</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">No</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">!” I rasped, but no real sound came out, and because of the </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">slowtime</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> effect, it seemed to come out as a wheezy “</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo . . .</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I watched, frozen, as the monstrous machine swung closer . . . closer . . . and the bumper of my little car passed right through the void left by the howitzer attack, actually passing into, and then out of, the enemy car.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">If I hadn’t already fear-sweated myself into a state of extreme dehydration, I might have wet my pants. She exited her car and tottered past on her way into the store, and I returned her friendly wave with a short chop of my own shaky hand. I filled up my trunk and drove home in silence; even hours later, when I tried to whistle along with a song my son played on his sound system, I lacked the saliva to produce a single note.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Damn those lip-falling-off-wish people. Those curses work.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">***************</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">That was the fun part; now on to a </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">little </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> bit of business . . . which is also fun.</span></div>
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<a href="https://www.amazon.com/Insanity-Tales-III-Seasons-Collection-ebook/dp/B072C5TFJZ/" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" target="_blank"><img alt="Insanity Tales III.jpg" border="0" height="390" src="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/oYrvrLXmWE0LzkiCcpYhBbwtb5iQyrMkkSXxqlo7L8cCyC-WytrefJA61i0JddOgT0ywAGqGrdH5cdtH9MZqMtEalDDMx0Wl7PO8FPnJyoodGIfElsWi5xlMkiNogjZwIJ2nEiOZ" style="border: none; transform: rotate(0rad);" width="256" /></a><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I’m all kinds of happy to announce </span><a href="http://thestoryside.com/" style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #1155cc; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: underline; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The Storyside</span></a><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> (the writers’ collaborative I belong to) has a new anthology coming out </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">tomorrow</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">, June 6, 2017. It’s called </span><a href="https://www.amazon.com/Insanity-Tales-III-Seasons-Collection-ebook/dp/B072C5TFJZ/" style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #1155cc; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: underline; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Insanity Tales III: Seasons of Shadow</span></a><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">,</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> and if you read my Writer in Progress post two weeks ago, you know I have a couple of stories in there. “A Bee,” and “Tracks in the Snow.”</span></div>
<span id="docs-internal-guid-80994794-7b49-d47f-cf0b-f990d7f738a8"></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">What you may </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">not</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> know (because I have yet to mention it anywhere) is that my two favorite stories in this book </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">aren’t my own</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">, and that may tell you something about the terrific stories in this book. My favorite stories in </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Insanity Tales III</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">—and it was a two-way tie for favorite—are “Eat Your Vegetables,” by </span><a href="http://www.staceylongo.com/index.html" style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #1155cc; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: underline; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Stacey Longo</span></a><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">, and “Over the Gulfs of Dream,” by </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/david.daniel.5203577" style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #1155cc; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: underline; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">David Daniel</span></a><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">. If you like dark fiction that hangs around on the suspenseful side of things, give </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Insanity Tales</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> a look-see. You won’t be disappointed.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; white-space: pre-wrap;">I'll talk to you later!</span></div>
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Rob Smaleshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02722186082049958329noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5432038467404446976.post-76091581624037653272017-05-08T23:55:00.000-04:002017-05-09T07:52:18.505-04:00Moving On . . . Sort Of.<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Greetings, WYMOP readers!</span></div>
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<b id="docs-internal-guid-96c6805c-eb64-2ce0-515c-28b866a4c1da" style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Yup. I’m moving. Sort of.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Yeah, this is going to be weird, but this’ll be my last WYMOP post for a while. Now, before you get all teary-eyed, let me explain.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Wow, how to explain . . .</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I started </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">While You’re Making Other Plans</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> way back in—hold on, let me check the actual blog—May, 2011; pretty much six years on the nose. I’ve closed WYMOP down before, temporarily, because I was too busy with other writing, and to be honest, that </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">is</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> part of this sort-of move.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Anyway, I started WYMOP back in 2011 mostly in response to the people around me. I’d begun writing about seven months earlier, and what was coming out of me was a little on the dark side. Ghost stories. Stories about bad things happening to good people. Stories about fear. Not the kind of things you’d expect from a happy person—though I </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">am</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> a postal worker, so there must be </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">something</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> wrong with me. A few people asked me if I was okay; mainly family at first, but then a few friends, including one who lived 3,000 miles away.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I was fine, I told them. I still like to laugh and make other people laugh. I’m not depressed (at least, I think I’m not, so I’m sticking with that story), but when I sit down to write there’s a certain dark little twist to what winds up on the page. Some people still seemed worried, though, and I assumed that </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">they</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> assumed my writing was some sort of window into my subconscious.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">To be fair, it pretty much is, but not in the way they thought.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">So I started a blog where I could reassure them, where I could write down some of the </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">other</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> stuff that occurred to me. I was shooting for funny, or if not funny, at least amusing—hell, maybe even touching and serious; just not </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">horror</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">. And I was writing as </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">me</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">, not some character, so it was even more of a pipeline from my subconscious, right? So I was writing over here as myself, and it would have nothing to do with my fiction, and it would reassure the hell out of everyone. That was the plan, and I stuck to it.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">For while, anyway.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">But I’ve done a lot, writing-wise, in the past six years (the technical term may be </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">a shitload</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">). As I’ve worked on getting better at it, writing’s become more and more a part of my life, to the point where I was having quite a hard time </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">not</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> writing about writing. I know I’ve slipped up here and there along the years—especially recently—and I apologize for that if it wasn’t what you were here for.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The problem is time.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Time changes things. Handsome, once a huge part of this blog because we did so much together, is almost fifteen now. He has school, and homework, and computer games, and a girlfriend, and a lot less time for hanging out with Dad. Besides, you’d be hard-pressed to find a teen out there who </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">wants</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> to hang out with their parents. I remember being the same way—it’s like we’re genetically programmed to be embarrassed by family members over a certain age once we hit thirteen.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">My job at the post office used to be a big part of my blog, but time’s changed that as well. I used to </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">like</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> my job, but as things have become more corporate and less local, the focus shifting from the people and customers to the numbers, I’m not all that fond of the place I work anymore. I </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">could</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> write about work every week, but most of it would be me bitching and complaining, and even if I tried to make it all funny it would get monotonous pretty damn quick—for you </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">and</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> for me.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">There’s also my website. Did I mention I have a website? I do. It’s about me as a writer, and it’s where I direct people if they want to find out more about me. It’s included in the bios I send in to anthologies that publish me, and in the back of my own books. I mention it whenever I do an interview, either in text or audio . . . and it needs work. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Serious work.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Here’s the thing: publishers, when they’re thinking about working with you, take </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">many</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> things into consideration. One of the things they look at (I have been told, by people who would know) is your web presence. They look at your Facebook page, your Twitter account, and your website, if you have one. I do have one, and I’m directing people there all the time, as I said, but from the look of my website I’m a lazy guy who doesn’t keep up his own URL, so how hard am I going to work for this hypothetical publisher who’s looking into me?</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Not only that, but people who read my work, and like it, and are looking for more of it, they don’t want to see that all I have going on at the site I sent them to is a six month old blog post. Did I mention there’s a blog on my website? Well, there is, and compared to WYMOP it’s pitiful. Anemic. Emaciated. And it’s not doing anyone any good.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The whole site isn’t doing me any good, and that’s a problem. At the moment I’m working on two novellas, co-writing a novel while another waits in the wings, polishing a couple of short stories, writing a monthly movie review column, working as part of a writers’ collaborative, and I’ve helped edit two books in the past six weeks with S & L Editing—but according to my website, I’m a bit of a shlub.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">So here I have one blog where I’ve got a few readers but I’m running out of material, and there I have this separate website that I probably have more material for, that’s actually a little hurtful to me at the moment. I need to fix this, but to fix it I need time, which is one of those things in limited supply. So here’s the plan—and it’s a flexible plan; I just hammered some of it out less than an hour ago: I’m changing and cutting back on my blogging.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Rather than posting to WYMOP once a week, I’m going to be here once a month. Once a month I’ll </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">also</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> be posting on my other blog, </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Writer in Progress</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">. A post every other week, on alternating blogs. Sound confusing? Yeah, to me, too. Look, I’m just writing all this down on the fly, trying to write to a deadline that’s 12 minutes away.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">If I’m blogging over at The Storyteller (my website), even just once a month, it’ll show some activity to anyone looking into it. And those two off weeks, when I’m not blogging? Well, hey, I can use </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">that</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> time to pump my decrepit website back into shape—and if there’s any time left over, I can spend it on the writing all this is supposed to help promote. This sort-of move will be win-win for me (I hope!), and is something I kind of need to do if I want to look like I’m taking my writing seriously.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">And believe me, I’m taking it seriously.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">So if you usually get to </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">While You’re Making Other Plans</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> via the link I throw into Facebook each week, I’ll see you in about two weeks with a link to a new blog post over on </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Writer in Progress</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">. I’ll be the same guy, whether I’m writing over here or over there, so if you’ve liked WYMOP you’ll probably like that, too. Please give it a chance. Either way, I hope to see you back here next month, when I’ll be once again typing </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Greetings, WYMOP readers!</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Until then, I’ll talk to you later.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">P.S. Oh, and feel free to check out the decrepit website—there’s a link to </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Writer in Progress</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> up there in the navigation bar, and from there you can, of course, get to the whole </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Storyteller</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> site. There’s no new content over there, but I’m working on revamping the whole damn thing, so a bunch of it may change, hopefully soon. Poke around if you like. See what’s what. Be my guest—I’d love to have you.</span></div>
Rob Smaleshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02722186082049958329noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5432038467404446976.post-40768026809878571532017-05-01T21:44:00.002-04:002017-05-01T21:44:18.480-04:00Sunday, Sunday, The Best Day Of The Week<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Greetings, WYMOP readers!</span></div>
<b id="docs-internal-guid-e8da1621-c6d3-b762-7667-d601b3ff1a78" style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">It was Sunday, and I was heading out to Salem Con, a spooky extravaganza in lovely downtown Salem, Massachusetts, put on by the Massachusetts Ghost Hunters Paranormal Society. I was checking it out as a place to maybe get a table and sell books next year, but also because it’s right there in my hometown, and I was fairly clueless about it. I had no idea what it was like or how large it was; all I knew was it was all happening at the Hawthorne Hotel. That was terrific for two reasons: it was a ten-minute drive for me, and there was parking right there behind the hotel.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I was half right. Ten minutes after pulling out of the driveway I was indeed zooming around the parking lot behind the Hawthorne Hotel; what I was </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">not</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> doing was parking. Every spot was filled with vehicles bearing license plates from all over New England: New York, Rhode Island, Connecticut, Maine, and Vermont. Never saw one from New Hampshire, though. But still, maybe this thing was a little bigger deal than I thought?</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I wound up parking about three blocks away, at the Church Street lot. I locked the Mini and hustled toward the hotel, giggling quietly at the out-of-towners gathered about the parking kiosk. </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Parking’s free on Sunday, suckers</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">, I thought, satisfied in the knowledge that I wouldn’t have to wait in line behind </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">those</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> five to get into the demonology Q&A I was on my way to attend.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I went into the Q&A intending to quietly laugh up my sleeve at the whole show, but it was actually a lot of fun and very informative. It was also a little scary—not the part about demons and spirits, but the audience of more than a hundred people. These were some diehard believers in the supernatural—and one </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">animal communicator</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">—and the thought was at the back of my mind the whole time that one of the presenters was about to go all stiff about the neck and shoulders, point to me dramatically, and boom, “It seems we have an </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">unbeliever</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> among us!” If that happened I was pretty sure the crowd would have knocked me down, taken me up, and carried me, kicking and screaming, to the roof, where they would burn me up in a big wicker man.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Luckily I flew under the radar on that one. For the record, I’m neither believer nor unbeliever; it depends on when you catch me. By the light of day, surrounded by people, the supernatural is something to laugh at and make fun of. When there’s an unexplained noise when I’m alone in the house at 3am though, you better believe ghosts are real, as real death, taxes, and Milk Duds, and I don’t joke about Milk Duds.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The event as a whole was better than I'd expected. Like I said, that Q&A was fun (except for the wicker man vibe), and the dealer rooms were fairly busy. I saw a couple of local vendors I knew, as well as a small publishing house I've spoken with before. It was that small publisher who broke the bubble of happiness that had grown about my head as I’d enjoyed the event.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“I just have to hustle back to Church Street and get my car,” I said. “You know, before the exit rush ruins the traffic.”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“Church Street?” She looked puzzled. “Why didn’t you just park in the garage down the block? It’s like twenty-five cents an hour.”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Partially because I didn’t know that. But I wasn’t going to let </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">her</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> know I didn’t know. “It’s about the same distance,” I said with a smile. “Besides, parking’s free on Sunday.”</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“But this is Saturday,” she said.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“Um, what?” I said.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“It’s Saturday,” she repeated—and now </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">she</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> was smiling.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“Um, what?”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“It’s Sat—” she began again, but it was too late; I was gone, hustle-walking through the crowd (you know, that tight-assed, lotta-hip walk that covers ground faster than a jog, looks a little like a speed-walk, and just emanates a whole bunch of </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">move along, move along, nothing to see here</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">) muttering to myself, checking the calendar in my phone every sixth-through-eighth steps to verify that it was indeed </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Saturday</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">, and I’d just spent three hours shilly-shallying around with ghost hunters and demon wranglers and giving the </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">real </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">horror all the time in the world to pounce:</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The meter maid.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Did I find a ticket on my car? No. But it </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">was</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> raining, so I fully expect to receive my citation in the mail. If there’s one thing in this world that’s real—even realer than Milk Duds—it’s parking tickets.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Damn you, Saturday. Damn you to </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">hell</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">!</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">~ ~ * * ~ ~</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Now, on a more serious note, I’m moving.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">No, not moving </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">house</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">. If I were doing that you’d have heard me bitching about it long before now—with or without this blog. What I am going to do is a bit of a hop from one blog to another. I was going to do it this week, sort of surprise you all with it, but things didn’t quite work out the way I’d planned; that story in itself is something that belongs on WYMOP.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I’ll explain it all next week, in a much better way than I was going to (I </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">was</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> rushing myself a bit). I’ll tell you where I’ll be going, and why, and most of all I’ll be inviting you all to join me over there. In fact, I dearly hope you will.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">But enough about that. I’m about to get maudlin, and if I do that now, what will I have for next week?</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Ah! Something for you to look forward to.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Talk to you later!</span></div>
Rob Smaleshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02722186082049958329noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5432038467404446976.post-88423004432329032932017-04-24T22:27:00.001-04:002017-05-01T07:08:05.766-04:00Fish Story<span id="docs-internal-guid-e2e2062e-c3b1-9517-9db9-0495f57cd2f4"><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Greetings, WYMOP readers!</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">A friend recently directed me to a submission call for an anthology to be titled </span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Death by Water</span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">This should be an easy one</span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">, I thought. </span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Sweat free. Zero perspiration.</span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> Hell, I live on the coast. I work on a peninsula, with water, water everywhere. I even love to fish, canoe, and kayak—but I’m not the best swimmer out there. Mix all this with the fact that I usually tend to consider the worst—I write horror, for Christ’s sake—and putting something together to submit for this anthology should have been a walk in the park.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Should</span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> have been.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I decided to try a fishing story. It’s spring, and I’ve been seeing folks out there, casting from shore or sitting in small boats, though I haven’t had time to wet my line myself. It’s been quite a while since I’ve had the chance to do any fishing, and I have to say I miss it, so what with seeing it happening all around me, it’s been on my mind a bit.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Fishing story. No problem. Sweat free.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">. . . And right off the bat I ran into a problem. Fishing, just like anything else, has a lot of regional terms. For instance, the skipjack tuna is also known as the aku, arctic bonito, mushmouth, oceanic bonito, striped tuna, and victor fish. Which term is the most common? And if I refer to a particular fishing rig, or technique, am I just calling it what </span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I</span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> call it? It seemed I’d have to do a little research and verify my terminology to give my story a wider appeal and maybe get it accepted for that book.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I started with a few actual articles on fishing terminology. Some of the techniques described, though, sounded like the kind of thing I’d like to incorporate into my story, but I’d have to see them in action first. A YouTube search on a few key terms turned up quite a few videos covering the techniques I was interested in—and, wonder of wonders, there in the sidebar was a list of clips showing people using these techniques to catch monster fish. Monster fish? This was </span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">perfect</span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> research for my story! How lucky could I be? I clicked into the first video.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">There was a dude in sunglasses and hat, and he </span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">was</span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> fishing, though it was hard to make out exactly what he was doing since his buddy was making the recording with his phone. What with the rocking of the boat and—</span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">whoa</span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">! That fish was </span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">huge</span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">! I hadn’t seen the technique in action very well, but it had damn sure been effective. Maybe the next video would show what the fisherman was doing a little clearer?</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">No, this guy was fishing solo and using a tripod, but he kind of had his back to the—</span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">holy cow</span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">! That was the biggest striper I’ve ever </span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">seen</span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">! The fisherman kind of took it in stride, but I’d have been </span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">thrilled</span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> to catch something that big. I looked at the sidebar and saw the next video in line was titled “Ultimate Monster Striper,” but there was no way it was as large as the one I’d just seen. Just no way. I clicked into the video . . .</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">It’s three days later, and I’ve seen huge striped bass, giant tuna, leaping sailfish, what has to be the world’s ugliest wolffish, the catfish that ate Chicago, and, and . . . and I’ve not even started that fishing story yet. It occurred to me this morning that I needed a blog for today, and I need to write </span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">something</span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> from all this research . . . so guess what you’re getting?</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Talk to you later!</span></div>
</span>Rob Smaleshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02722186082049958329noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5432038467404446976.post-85115768935205343392017-04-17T22:35:00.001-04:002017-04-17T22:35:36.014-04:00A Scene From Writing Life: Day Gone Awry<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.44; margin-bottom: 5pt; margin-right: 7pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #263238; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Greetings, WYMOP readers!</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.44; margin-bottom: 5pt; margin-right: 7pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #263238; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The following is a note—mostly to myself—I banged out Thursday afternoon, after a slightly frustrating morning. Lacking a really great blog to throw your way—and realizing it’s Monday night, and far too late to try to summon something from scratch—here are my notes on a writing day that wasn’t going to plan:</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #263238; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">~ ~ * * ~ ~</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #263238; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #263238; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">So this is my day so far.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.44; margin-bottom: 5pt; margin-right: 7pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #263238; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #263238; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">wanted</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #263238; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> to work on the collaboration I’m part of—it’s my turn to write a chapter, and I’m taking too long to do it—but my partner had left a note at the end of her last chapter saying she was unsure if it should stay the way it was or undergo some kind of major rewrite.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.44; margin-bottom: 5pt; margin-right: 7pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #263238; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I messaged her at just after 10:00 to say I was fine with what she had, and I could very well run with it, but wanted to make sure she didn't want to change it before I got to work on it. I hadn’t even </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #263238; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">thought</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #263238; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> of the direction she’d taken the story in, but I liked it. It would have sucked to write a whole chapter based on what she’d done only to find out </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #263238; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">afterward</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #263238; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> that she’d been working on a rewrite the whole time. </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #263238; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">That</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #263238; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> would be a time of great weeping, the rending of garments, and the gnashing of teeth.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 2.4; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #263238; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Ugh.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.44; margin-bottom: 5pt; margin-right: 7pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #263238; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">While waiting for a response (that’s the problem with texting: you have no idea if the other person is sitting right there paying attention or out walking the cat, re-roofing the house, or even killing a transient and hiding the body, there’s really no way of knowing), I decided to try and re-submit a story I received a rejection on yesterday. I got to work looking for a suitable place. The problem was that most publications that might be </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #263238; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">looking</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #263238; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> for a story like the one I have also have word caps too low for me to submit it. They’re looking for stories that are a maximum of four or five thousand—maybe even six—but my story’s almost seven thousand.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.44; margin-bottom: 5pt; margin-right: 7pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #263238; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Crap.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.44; margin-bottom: 5pt; margin-right: 7pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #263238; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">My partner got back to me in about 40 minutes, but I was on the hunt by then, and kept looking for places to submit. I looked for two hours before finding a magazine taking stories up to </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #263238; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">ten</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #263238; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> thousand words</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> . . . but it might not be exactly what they’re looking for</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #263238; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">. </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #263238; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">What the hell</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #263238; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">, I thought, </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #263238; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I’ll give it a try. At least it won’t be rejected out of hand for length.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.44; margin-bottom: 5pt; margin-right: 7pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #263238; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">They have an automated submission system, so I got to work filling in the boxes and rewriting my cover letter to fit the new market. Everything was great until I tried to attach the file. This particular magazine was asking for the story file to be in a specific Word format, and not the newest one at that. Up until this point I’d done all my work in Google Docs, using OpenOffice (a free Word knock-off) whenever I needed to convert a file to something Google Docs couldn’t handle, but this format appeared to be beyond OpenOffice’s capabilities: it would save it in the correct format, but would also insert random blank pages, lines written in gibberish, and stripped out the letters T, F, and all vowels from the text, rendering my carefully-written story into something cut-and-pasted together, ransom note style, by a spastic three-year-old with a substance abuse problem.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.44; margin-bottom: 5pt; margin-right: 7pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #263238; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I’m exaggerating. A </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #263238; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">little</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #263238; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.44; margin-bottom: 5pt; margin-right: 7pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #263238; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I finally broke down and decided to join the 21st century writing world and buy Word. The problem now was figuring out which to get—there are so many versions of Word and Microsoft Office out there—so I texted my partner. I should have gotten Word months ago just for doing S&L Editing work, but I’d been being kind of a dick and sort of forcing her to do the final formatting on everything before sending it to the clients. Whatever I got should (hopefully) mesh well with what she has.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.44; margin-bottom: 5pt; margin-right: 7pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #263238; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Once she finished burying the transient on her neighbor’s property (or, you know, </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #263238; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">whatever</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #263238; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">) she got right back to me. She has Word 2013.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.44; margin-bottom: 5pt; margin-right: 7pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #263238; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I could not get Word 2013.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.44; margin-bottom: 5pt; margin-right: 7pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #263238; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Oh, I could </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #263238; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">get</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #263238; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> it, but as a CDROM sent to me in the mail rather than as a direct download. I’d come this far, squandered my morning searching and shopping, and I wanted </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #263238; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">something</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #263238; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> to show for it. A story submission would have to do. I settled on Student Office 2016, bought and downloaded it (it's tax deductible!) and submitted my story</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> . . .</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #263238; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> and I’d only started searching three and a half hours earlier.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.44; margin-bottom: 5pt; margin-right: 7pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #263238; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I'm giving up on writing for now. It’s 1:30 in the afternoon, and I’d planned to be done writing by 2:00 anyway, as I have errands to run and chores to do that require a little daylight. I’ve barely done anything I meant to do, writing-wise, and I took almost six hours not doing it. I haven’t eaten anything yet today, and I suspect that funny aroma I’m smelling is me. Maybe raking the yard or cleaning off the back deck will give me a sense of accomplishment. Or even just going to the bank.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.44; margin-bottom: 5pt; margin-right: 7pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #263238; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">But first, I need a shower. And maybe some pants.</span></div>
<span id="docs-internal-guid-1df358a7-7ee9-8250-1294-40ac2822210f"></span><br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.44; margin-bottom: 5pt; margin-right: 7pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #263238; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Talk to you later.</span></div>
Rob Smaleshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02722186082049958329noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5432038467404446976.post-87725051210360223092017-04-10T19:12:00.002-04:002017-04-10T19:13:26.727-04:00Diorama-lama-bo-bama (Or: Scenes From a Growing Boy)<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Greetings, WYMOP readers.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">So, this happened:</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“Here, I wanted to show you this,” said Handsome, striding into the dining room with bounce in his step and a box in his hands. “It oughta look familiar to you.”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">He put the box on the table in front of me, and I saw that though it had started life as the container for his most recent pair of sneakers (size sasquatch, and still growing), the lid had been cut off and there was something other than shoes inside. The bottom was now lined with gray and white marble-patterned paper which looked a lot like ice. Skirting the ice along one side of the box was a white paper snowbank, mounding high and sloping toward the water as lake shores often do. Out in the middle of the box were two little paper men, cut from a printed picture, dressed for the weather and working a miniscule auger through the frozen lake.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“Never seen it before,” I said. “Ice fishing diorama?”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“We had to make a diorama for school,” he said. “A scene from a book we like.”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“Okay,” I said. I knew he really liked the </span><a href="https://www.amazon.com/Shadowmagic-Trilogy-John-Lenahan-ebook/dp/B00HPN4CHC/" style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #1155cc; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: underline; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Shadowmagic Trilogy</span></a><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">, but I couldn’t remember any ice fishing in it. I sat there wracking my brain, trying to remember anything I knew he’d read recently—hell, at </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">all</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">—that might have had a scene like this.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I finally gave in. “And I should know this?”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“Yeah, you ought to know the book. Well, the </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">story</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">.”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">My mind flew to a story I’d written a long time ago for </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Dead of Winter</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">, called “Fishing Hole,” that was all about ice fishing. But so far as I knew he’d never read </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Dead of Winter</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">. And there were four guys in that story, not two. And—but wait. Even longer ago than that, I’d written—</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“Is this my Christmas story? ‘Fishing Buddy?’ ”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“The one where two guys go ice fishing on Christmas Eve, and one of them turns out to be Santa?” he said with a grin. “Yeah. I like that story.”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“Me, too,” I said, looking at the diorama again. He’s going to be fifteen in a few months, and he was just ten years old when that story was published, but there they were: two guys ice fishing on Christmas Eve. “This is really cool. Thank you.”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“I thought you’d like it,” he said over a shoulder, heading back into the kitchen.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I sat there checking out the diorama again, and though I will neither confirm nor deny that I wiped away a tear once he wasn’t looking, yes, I liked it.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I liked it very much.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Talk to you later.</span></div>
<span id="docs-internal-guid-6b2558a8-5a22-f956-4716-aaa1e4179de3"><br /></span>Rob Smaleshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02722186082049958329noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5432038467404446976.post-90123232832532609022017-04-03T20:26:00.002-04:002017-04-03T20:26:16.200-04:00Lattice Entertain You<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Greetings, WYMOP readers!</span></div>
<b id="docs-internal-guid-23585e9e-365a-193e-edcd-bea8851a1fda" style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">People tend to like the characters I write into my fiction, in part because they seem so real. Well, to be fair, in part they </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">are</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">. I meet people every day—quite often on my route at work—who form the basis for characters who then find their way into my writing. I mean, let’s face it: sometimes truth really </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">is</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> stranger than fiction.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Here’s an example of what I’m talking about—and not even that extreme an example.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">There is an older woman who moved to my route a couple of years ago. She’s not gone whackadoodle, as some older folks do, wearing her underwear on the outside of her pants, or forgetting the pants entirely (I’ve heard of both) or anything like that, but she does have one quirk: though I park in front of her house, and as soon as I have my mail bag on my shoulder I’m going to walk straight to her door, she feels the need, when she sees me, to pop out of her house like a life-sized jack-in-the-box as soon as the truck grinds to a halt. She marches right up to my door to call in my window, “Can I have my mail?”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">She doesn’t necessarily want to talk—some people do, they’re friendly and just want to say </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">hi</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">—but she </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">needs </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">her mail. ASAP. Now, if not sooner. She’d oft-times get it quicker if she </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">weren’t</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> crowding me, making it harder to get out and around to the rear of the vehicle where her mail actually </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">is</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">. Sometimes, though, I’m speedy enough, or she just doesn’t see me until it’s too late, or maybe the weather’s just too awful, and she instead meets me at </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">her</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> door, opening it a crack to thrust her claw through the gap with a cry of “I’m right here!”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Then there are the rare, rare times when she misses me entirely, and I actually get to use her mailbox. This had been one of those times.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Now, I can understand why she tries to meet me at the door, especially on cold days or when the weather isn’t otherwise especially human friendly. There is a sort of arbor over her door, a roofed but lattice-sided box about three feet deep forming a sort of outside entry hall. The former tenants had their mailbox mounted inside this arbor, beneath the small roof and right beside the door: open the door, stick your hand out, grab the mail. Hell, they could have done it naked—probably did—and no one would ever know.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The woman in question, however, despite my suggestion to the contrary, afixed her mailbox to the wall of the house </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">outside</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> the arbor, necessitating a walk out and around the lattice wall, a full-body immersion into a cold winter day or complete exposure to wind and rain when fetching the post. I don’t blame her for not wanting to make that trip, if she can avoid it . . . which leads me to a couple of weeks ago.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">We had snow. Not a whole hell of a lot—not nearly as much as they’d predicted—but enough to be a pain in the ass for working outside in. I parked, filled up my mail satchel at the rear of the truck, started at the jack-in-the-box’s house, then walked about delivering the whole street. When I got back to my truck I heard a call from behind me, thin and reedy and fairly familiar: “Excuse me, could you hand me my mail?”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“Yes, ma’am,” I called back, slung my truck door closed, turned, and stopped.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">There she stood, one foot inside the house, the other out. Not wanting to step out into the dusting of snow on the ground, she’d managed to worm one large and bony hand </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">through</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> the lattice, her spindly wrist—about as thick around as two broomsticks lain side-by-side—fitting quite comfortably in the gap. She’d opened her box, grabbed tight her mail . . . and then discovered her fist, which was probably as large as mine, wouldn’t fit back through the hole. Even as I watched, she twisted her hand this way and that, looking for the magical angle which would let her squeeze that big bundle of knuckles back through the lattice while still clutching her prize.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Now, she could have dropped the prize, then simply stepped around the lattice to retrieve it once more. Barring that, she might have put the mail back in the box—it was obviously within reach—keeping her mail out of the snow and her from having to bend to pick it up. None of this occurred to her, however. So focused was she on </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">having</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> that mail, I think that if I hadn’t come back to my truck, or if she’d tried the stunt after I’d driven away, she might have stood there until her daughter came to visit; half-in, half-out of the house, wrist stuck in a handcuff the size of her house.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I took the bills and junk mail from her trapped mitt and she easily pulled her hand back through the lattice. I stepped around and handed her the bundle, which she accepted with a smile. “Thanks,” she said. “I won’t try </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">that </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">again!”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">And she hasn’t. Yet. But I make sure now, when I get back to the truck after delivering her street, to take a peek into her arbor, waiting for the day I hear it again: </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Excuse me, could you hand me my mail?</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">So, at some point in the future is the </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">can I have my mail</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> lady going to wind up in a story? Sure, if the story calls for a perfectly normal person with just one little quirk, one odd obsession. I may change it some—maybe write a man who’s just like everyone else, except he’s got one particular brand of gum he needs, or a woman who needs to stop the car so she can get out and smell wild lilac whenever she drives past it—but I’ll probably have the </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">can I have my mail</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> lady in mind when I do.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Because truth is stranger than fiction.</span></div>
<br />
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Talk to you later!</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
Rob Smaleshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02722186082049958329noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5432038467404446976.post-88499178335939410792017-03-27T23:02:00.002-04:002017-03-27T23:02:30.523-04:00Earworm (2017)<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: -2pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #222222; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 700; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #222222; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 700; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Earworm:</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 10pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #222222; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">An earworm, sometimes known as a brainworm, sticky music, or stuck song syndrome, is a catchy piece of music that continually repeats through a person's mind after it is no longer playing.</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #222222; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #222222; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">~Wikipedia</span></div>
<b id="docs-internal-guid-e9e3d39b-12dc-a2c4-a79b-e00a1c00e90c" style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 10pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #222222; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Greetings, WYMOP readers!</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">This morning I had a song stuck in my head. It happens a lot, I know, and to lots of people, but with me there’s an added problem: I sing. Not all that well, but often, and usually without thinking. I whistle, too. Sometimes I’m like a noise machine, and if I’m busy doing something somewhat mindless—sorting the mail, walking my route, driving a car, all that stuff—then everyone around gets to hear what’s running through my head like it’s on a constant loop.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Sorry, world.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">This morning it was (and I have no idea </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">why</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">) “Rockin’ Robin,” by Bobby Day. It’s not even like I remember all the lyrics to the song—though, to be honest, there’s only a handful of songs out there I </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">do</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> remember all the lyrics to. This is why I whistle: I may lose the words, but the tune sticks like glue.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">So all morning I was whistling “Rockin’ Robin.” I went out to load up my truck whistling “Rockin’ Robin.” I sorted my mail whistling “Rockin’ Robin.” I went out to deliver my route whistling “Rockin’ Robin.” See? It sounds repetitive to you, and you weren’t even there. It’s been like thirty seconds, four or five recurrences of just the title, and already you’re probably ready to give me a swift kick to the jangly bits. </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">It even started wearing on </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">me</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">. There I was, slogging around in the rain (sans rain gear, but that’s another story) on a 40 degree day, whistling this jaunty tune the whole time because I simply couldn’t stop. “Well,” my customers would say, “someone’s not letting the weather get them down.” Or, “So, you </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">like </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">this rain?” Or even, “Wow, that’s what I like to hear: someone </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">happy </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">with their work.”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The problem was the weather </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">was </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">getting me down, and I </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">don’t</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> like the rain, and (this day, at least) I </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">wasn’t </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">happy with my work. I wanted to go home, take a hot shower, dry off, and sit with a hot cup of cocoa and write, or maybe read, or—if I felt I had the time—watch a movie to review for Monster Movie Madness. What I did </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">not</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> want was a bunch of happy-asses pointing out how cheerful </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> was when I really felt more like a frozen drowned rat than a party clown. </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> wanted to kick </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">them</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> in the jangly bits.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">So I tried to drive the earworm out. I intentionally sang </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">other</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> earworms, trying to change gears somehow, or at least loosen the bright and cheerful stranglehold “Rockin’ Robin” had on me.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I sang the </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Gilligan’s Island </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">theme. I sang </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The Addams Family</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> theme. I sang </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Underdog</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">. I whistled the hell out of </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The Munsters, Hawaii Five-0, </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">and</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> Mission Impossible</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">. Nothing worked: I kept reverting to “Rockin’ Robin” whenever I wasn’t paying attention. In desperation, I turned to the biggest gun in the earworm arsenal, the mac daddy of all earworms, guaranteed to lock itself into place in even the most tone-deaf of persons: the theme from </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The Bridge Over the River Kwai</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">It worked. Eventually.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The Bridge Over the River Kwai</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> managed to knock “Rockin’ Robin” loose, and with everything else I had running through my head all day, what I wound up with by the time I’d finished my route was a jumble of words and tunes. Nothing could get a firm grip on me anymore; all my earworms were cancelling each other out.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I had won.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I walked in the office that afternoon with a smile on my face, despite the weather and my own physical misery. I stood at my bench, going through my end of the day routine. I was just tidying things up for tomorrow, when I realized the guy beside me was whistling something, and I’d started unconsciously whistling it along with him.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">It was “Rockin’ Robin.”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“You son of a bitch,” I said. “I’ve been trying to get that damn song out of my head since this morning, and here you go putting it back in again?”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">And the bastard jumped out of his case, leveled a finger at me, and shouted “</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Ahaaaaaaa</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">!”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Dammit. Revenge, he said, was sweet.</span></div>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Talk to you later.</span></div>
Rob Smaleshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02722186082049958329noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5432038467404446976.post-81573451513713155952017-03-20T20:55:00.002-04:002017-03-20T20:55:53.131-04:00Operators Are Standing By<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Greetings, WYMOP readers!</span></div>
<b id="docs-internal-guid-e33e2bc7-ee5c-7b57-aac9-1e36da60cea1" style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I’m trying to get down to 200 pounds. I’ve been trying for a while now, and it’s becoming rather depressing. It’s only 14 pounds, but I just can’t seem to lose it.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">So I decide I’ll eat less at dinnertime. I mean, whatever calories I take in that late in the day have the least chance of being burnt off due to activity, right? Not going to get ripped abs in my sleep, or anything. Well, not unless I buy those capsules being touted on late-night television by a strangely googly-eyed man in a multicolored bowtie, rainbow suspenders, and a rather forceful English accent.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Or is it Australian? He seems to kind of waver between the two—but look, whatever it is, it’s </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">really</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> forceful, so that stuff must </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">really </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">work, right? I mean, he’s not offering any science supporting the product, but the way he keeps grinning and shouting “Am I right?” at the studio audience, he’s </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">so</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> convincing . . .</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">But no, I’ll just eat less at dinnertime, rather than spend the nearly $300 (in three easy installments of just $99 each!) buying a 1-week supply of Poops-A-Lot, </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">guaranteed to flatten your stomach while you sleep</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 7.199999999999999pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: super; white-space: pre-wrap;">1</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">, even though operators are standing by. I have this in mind as I set about cooking dinner.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I’m making pork chops, mashed potatoes, and corn for myself, Handsome, and Miss D. There are six chops (I </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">have</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> to cook all of them, it’s not like the package is resealable or anything), but they’re thin cut, and I’ll just have one. The spuds are coming out of a box (instant-schminstant, these things take almost five minutes!), and I’ll just make two servings of those. The corn is frozen, so I’ll just make one box of that. Nothing too out of control </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">here</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">!</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The chops are in the oven and the corn’s in the microwave, so I’m buttering, boiling, milking, and mixing the potatoes on the stove. You think if I put the instant spuds in the microwave they’d go back in time? I’ll find out next week. But it seems that when you follow the directions on the instant spuds box you don’t wind up with mashed potatoes: you wind up with a sort of potato soup with the consistency of Cream of Wheat.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Yuck.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">So I shake in some more flakes, and stir. And shake. And stir. And shake. And stir.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">God damn, the instructions on the box are off by a </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">mile</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">! Maybe I added too much water? Or milk? Or butter? I suppose it’s </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">possible</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> I may have added a little too much of all three—but they’re getting close to the right consistency now. I’ll just have to taste them to find out.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Mmmm. Close.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Shake. Stir. Taste. Shake. Stir. Taste. Shake. Stir. Taste. Stir. Taste. Stir. Taste. Taste. Taste.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Perfect</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">!</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">And the microwave beeps, and the oven timer goes off, and dinner is ready. I take my one pork chop, a moderate amount of corn, and just a little of the potatoes—I only made two servings for three people, after all—and I go sit at the table.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Handsome and Miss D come fix their own plates, and the next thing I know Handsome’s standing at my elbow with a fork chop (a pork chop on a fork, so you can eat it like a lollipop).</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“Dad, eat this.”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“No,” I say, sticking to my guns. “I’m good, thanks.”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“But there’s just one left, and I want to put the pan in the sink.”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I look at my plate. The one chop I have does look a little lonely, and, really, there are barely any mashed potatoes there, and what with those few kernels of corn . . .</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“Okay. I’ll take it.”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The two chops nestle on my plate, snuggling, practically </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">spooning</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">—at least, until I begin sectioning up the new chop into bite-sized pieces as the first chop looks on in horror. I eat the pieces with great relish and lots of noises signifying almost sensual pleasure, those sounds probably driving the remaining pork chop mad with terror as it waits for me to—</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">But I digress. I eat my dinner, miniscule as it is, satisfied to be holding to the </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">eating less at night </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">plan. I’m surprised upon finishing at just how full I am; after all, I just had the two chops and barely anything else, right?</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The kids are done and gone now, so I guess it’s up to me to clean the kitchen. The potato pot is practically empty, but I’d like to get as much out of it as I can before rinsing it for the dishwasher; if the spuds dry on, sometimes the dishwasher’s not enough to get them off. I scrape out the pot with the wooden serving spoon, scraping and scraping—and hey! The spoon’s full. Be a shame to waste that spoonful of spuds, what with children starving in, uh, that starving kid place where Sally Struthers films those commercials.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I eat them.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I scrape some more, and have to eat the spoonful again. I scrape still more—sometimes I’m </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">very </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">disappointed in our dishwasher’s performance—and eat, and scrape, and eat, and then it’s time to rinse the pot.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">But while the pot is rinsing, I see how much corn is left in the bowl by the stove. It’s quite a lot, actually, plenty to save for leftovers if only I had some potatoes, or even a pork chop to store with them. As just corn, though, it’s likely to go to waste if I put it in the fridge. </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">That</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> wouldn’t be right. I use the serving spoon to finish this off, too.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I put everything in the dishwasher and wipe down the counters, surprised once more at how </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">totally</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> full I feel, especially considering the drips and drabs that were on my plate.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The next morning I wake up and head straight to the scale—by way of the bathroom. I’m anxious to see how my plan’s working out. I pee for what seems like an hour, then step on the scale. I step off, let it zero, and slip cautiously back on, like I’m trying not to frighten it.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“Son of a bitch!”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">After being so careful, after practically </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">starving</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> myself for the evening, </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I’ve gained two pounds!</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I wave my arms. I stomp about. I argue with myself. I argue with God—he doesn’t bother arguing back, so I decide to call that a win.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">And then, before I leave the house, I make a single phone call. The number’s easy to remember: 1-800-P-O-O-P-S-A-L-O-T.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Operators are standing by.</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 7.199999999999999pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: super; white-space: pre-wrap;">1―</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The makers of Poops-A-Lot claim no responsibility for soiled sheets, social embarrassment, or destroyed relationships via use of this product. Use only as directed.</span></div>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Talk to you later!</span></div>
Rob Smaleshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02722186082049958329noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5432038467404446976.post-71611445174612864922017-03-13T23:56:00.002-04:002017-03-14T00:16:48.438-04:00Memory Schtick<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“Excuse me?”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“Yes?”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“I was wondering if you could help me. I'm working on a movie review, and I'd like to reference a film, but I forget the name. You see, I'm horrible with names and titles. I can always remember plots, and what certain characters did, but I can't remember who the hell they were, or what the movie was called. You get me?”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“Well that can’t be a good thing in your line of work!”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“Ex</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">act</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">ly. So I was wondering if I could, you know, describe the movie to you, and then you can tell me what it's called? I know it's a really popular film, I just have a blank spot in my head where the title should be.”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“Sure, sounds like fun. Shoot.”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“Well, there's this guy, and for part of the film he's running. He runs a lot.”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i>The Running Man</i></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">?”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“No that's Arnold Schwarzenegger, and he's not in this.”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i>The Marathon Man</i></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">?”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“No, that's Dustin Hoffman. And he isn't running for the whole thing. For some of it he's fishing. And playing world class ping pong. And in the army, in Vietnam. It, uh, stars that guy who was in the movie about the dude who's trapped on an island all alone with volleyball—”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“You mean </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i>Castaway</i></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">?”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“Yes! That's it. </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i>Castaway</i></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">. The guy was also in </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i>Castaway</i></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">.”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“Tom Hanks?”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“Yes! Tom Hanks! In this film he plays a guy who's kind of slow, and keeps talking about eating a box of chocolates.”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i>Forrest Gump</i></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">?”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“Yes! That's it! Forrest Gump. So in this movie, Tom Hanks plays a dude named Forrest Gump. But what's the title of that film? I’d swear it’s on the tip of my tongue. Hey—where are you going? But we were almost to the . . .”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">*sigh*</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">(Seeing another passerby) “Excuse me?”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“Yes?”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“I was wondering if you could help me . . . ?”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">~ ~ * * ~ ~</span></div>
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<span id="docs-internal-guid-27222dff-caf5-2d52-94db-34236b57a847"></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Talk to you later!</span></div>
Rob Smaleshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02722186082049958329noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5432038467404446976.post-67627573341777285822017-03-06T22:24:00.001-05:002017-03-07T04:54:39.221-05:00The Taco Bell Diet<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Greetings, WYMOP readers!</span></div>
<b id="docs-internal-guid-70a93c74-a6c8-6549-5aaf-b62c0bd29559" style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“Well, tomorrow’s my day off, so I’m heading to Taco Bell!” was my foolish, foolish cry as I strode out the back door to the employee parking lot behind my post office. </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“What’s your day off got to do with where you go for dinner?” asked a coworker.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“Not just dinner,” I answered. “</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Taco Bell</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">. I don’t have to work tomorrow, so I can just lie around all day bitching, moaning, and recovering.”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“Ah.” The coworker nodded. “I get it.”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Apparently, though, I </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">didn’t</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">. It had started out a joke, just something amusing to say as I exited the building, kind of making fun of cheap Mexican food*; driving away from the office however, the idea gained a strange sort of traction in my mind. I hadn’t had Taco Bell in quite a while. If there was a reason for the long stretch of Taco Bell abstinence, I couldn’t remember it. I </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">did</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> remember liking it, though. And that it was easy: a pre-packaged meal that was simple to just pick up and eat one-handed, leaving the other hand free to do other stuff. I had some reading and editing to get done that night, and I was hungry.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">It seemed, to my mind at the moment, like a match made in heaven.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I pulled up to the Taco Bell drive-through and realized it </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">had</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> been quite a while since I’d been there: I had no idea what to order. “</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Welcome to Taco Bell, can I help you?</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">” squawked the box, and I had one of those moments of confused panic I once made fun of old people for—you know, before I </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">became</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> one. The menu board was just a wall of words and numbers that meant nothing to me. I didn’t even know where on the frigging thing to </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">find</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> tacos—and then I spotted the word I was looking for. It had some other words around it, but I didn’t really comprehending them until I heard the whole phrase coming out of my mouth.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“I’ll have the taco twelve-pack, please.”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Wait—what?</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> said the rational part of my brain—what I now recognize as my common sense—a little panicked. </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Did I just say </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">twelve</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">?</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Don’t worry about it</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">, said the part of my brain that was trying to bluff it out and come off looking a rough approximation of cool, even though it was still reeling, hotly denying it had just been through a senior moment. </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I’m off tomorrow, so whatever I don’t eat tonight just becomes instant lunch, right?</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Okay, that sort of makes sense</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">, said my rational part, and while it was distracted by the crumb of logic that had just been thrown its way, my mouth—apparently firmly in the </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">bluff it out and look cool</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> camp—completed my order, asking for six soft, six crunchy, hold the lettuce, please. I made the drive home with my rational part shoved into the backseat of the Mini, ignoring it as it asked </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">What did we just do? Guys? Guys? What did we just </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">do</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">?</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I plunked my box-O-tacos down on the kitchen table, set my Chromebook a little ways behind it, and started reading, eating tacos a bit like chips: mechanically, one after the other, without really paying attention. They were tasty, though, and that was about all that registered as I unwrapped and chewed, unwrapped and chewed, all while scrolling down the page . . . and I was suddenly full. No, more than full, I was a little bit stuffed. How had </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">that</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> happened? I checked the box and found the three remaining tacos huddled at the bottom of the container like the three little pigs if they’d been without building supplies when B. B. Wolf came rolling into town all full of pep and feeling peckish.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I’d eaten nine. Without even noticing. </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Who</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> was the pig here?</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I packed the three little leftovers into the fridge and went about my business, falling asleep early due to the unplanned but comfortable roundness of my gut—it ain’t just tryptophan knocking overeaters out on their feet after Thanksgiving dinner; a full belly has something to do with it, too. The last thing I heard before drifting off was a strange but powerful gurgle coming from deep within the bowels of . . . well, my bowel.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I woke already on my feet and moving, stumbling through the darkened bedroom in a way that, while not exactly panicked, had a serious sense of urgency. </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Wow</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">, I thought as I sat down in the dark, not having taken the time to hit the light switch on the way into the bathroom. </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">That was a close one. I must have </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">really</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> been asleep to let things, uh, </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">progress</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> that far before waking.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">It was the middle of the night, so I finished what I was doing—couldn’t have stopped if I’d wanted to, actually—and went back to bed.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">For almost half an hour.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Then I was up and urgent again. And then I went back to bed. And then I was urgent again. Back to bed. Urgent again. Bed. Urgent.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">You get the picture.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I often weigh myself first thing in the morning, because that way the day can really only get better. Once the sun was up I stepped on the scale—after a bout of urgency—and found that, despite the previous evening’s consumption of however much nine tacos comes out to by weight, I had lost five pounds. Overnight. And I was—whoops, it was time to be urgent again—still losing.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I’m not sure just how much weight I lost overall, but I did spend a significant portion of that day sitting on what is commonly referred to as </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i>the throne</i>, </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">trying to remember the words to songs like “Burning Love,” and “Burnin’ For You,” and—my personal favorite that day—”Ring Of Fire.” I’d have weighed myself again, but that would have required me to stand upright while </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">not </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">being urgent, and that simply wasn’t an option: my legs spent most of that day asleep. </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">By the next morning I was okay again, and a lucky thing, too, as I had to go to work. I got dressed and made my way downstairs, walking a bit gingerly and still humming “Ring Of Fire.” I stopped by the ’fridge, looking for something to take for lunch.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">My eye fell upon the three leftover tacos, sitting on the shelf all innocuous and tasty-looking.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">It’s just three</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">, said the </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">bluff it out and look cool</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> part of my mind. </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Three couldn’t hurt, right? And they </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">were</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> tasty. </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I reached out a hand—</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">—and my common sense burst into the kitchen, well rested but pissed off at having been locked in the back seat of the Mini for a day and a half. Some bitch-slapping happened, and </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">bluff it out and look cool </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">began to cry. I threw the leftover tacos in the trash and dug out the bread and peanut butter, constructing myself a bland little lunch while my common sense beat </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">bluff it out and look cool</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">’s ass all over the house. When I left, common sense was flushing </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">bluff it out and look cool</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">’s head in the toilet and screaming “How do you like me now?”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I drove to work. One of the clerks saw me entering the building and shouted, “How was your day off?”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">If she’s reading this, now she knows.</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Talk to you later.</span></div>
<br />
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">*My apologies to any Mexican-Americans out there reading this. I am aware that referring to Taco Bell as </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Mexican food </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">is roughly equivalent to calling McDonald’s </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">haute cuisine</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">. Please remember I’m trying for humor here. Trying.</span></div>
Rob Smaleshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02722186082049958329noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5432038467404446976.post-37796634866879558322017-02-27T13:38:00.002-05:002017-02-27T13:38:23.199-05:00Buying Time.<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Greetings, WYMOP readers!</span></div>
<b id="docs-internal-guid-7afc9845-80d8-9f01-cd64-d18c28d5b58b" style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“You can go first.”</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I glanced at my shopping cart: two gallons of milk, a half dozen bottles of Diet Pepsi, bread, some of those bottled Starbucks Frappuccino drinks (vanilla, my favorite!), and a couple of other things. I looked at the girl’s hands; she held a birthday card and a chocolate bar. “Don’t be silly,” I said, waving her toward the self-checkout line we were vying for. “That’s all you have? </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">You</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> go first.”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">With a grin of thanks, she slipped in front of my cart—then stopped dead, looking at the man currently waving items about in the air above the price scanner in the hopes of making the thing beep. “He, uh, has a </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">lot</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> of stuff,” the card-and-chocolate-bearing young lady said, slipping off to find a different line.</span></div>
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-qV4NQXtHKqM/WLRyAaWjIzI/AAAAAAAACnE/6u9wSk1YFQM_Jv1Jd5OWHsT81irU-TVHQCLcB/s1600/3-going-shopping-again.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="136" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-qV4NQXtHKqM/WLRyAaWjIzI/AAAAAAAACnE/6u9wSk1YFQM_Jv1Jd5OWHsT81irU-TVHQCLcB/s200/3-going-shopping-again.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I looked ahead. By God, this dude </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">did</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> have a lot of stuff, a whole </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">bunch</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> of stuff, far more than I’d ever seen anyone try to squeeze through the self-checkout before. Usually people with shopping carts full to the top with goods go through the regular checkout; the bagging area at the other end of the belt from the scanner in self-checkout is too small to hold a whole cart’s worth of items, mucking up the entire process and drawing obvious sighs and death-stares from the people waiting in line.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Recalling however that, for some reason or other, Fate has decreed that when Rob goes shopping he will get in the wrong line, I decided to stay put and see what would happen. Besides, Fate seems to get a little pissed off when I line-hop, trying to avoid my curse, and in the past this has resulted in jammed printers, sudden shortages of register tape, emergency phone calls to my checkout clerk, and the clerk’s sudden slamming down of the Lane Closed sign followed by a tight-butt-cheeked speed-waddle toward the restroom. There haven’t been any actual deaths yet, but someday I plan to line-hop incessantly, just to see if I can force Fate to actually drop my store through a giant sinkhole in the Earth’s crust into the realm of the Mole People, who’ve tunneled up and stolen our Stop & Shop because they’re in dire need of Swiffer cleaning products and, besides, they’ve heard the deli counter can give them the thinnest shaved turkey slices in the state . . . but I digress.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Bearing all that in mind (and yes, I stood in the store a moment fantasizing about presenting a Swiffer WetJet to the Mole king)—and not really being pressed for time for once—I settled in for the long haul to watch the gentleman in front of me completely </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">fail</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> at self-checkout.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Unexpected item in bagging area</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">,” said the machine.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“How can it be unexpected?” asked Mr. Shopper. “You </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">just</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> rang it up!”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Please choose the correct produce item from the screen. Thank you for purchasing your beets</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">.”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“Beets? No—those were peppers! </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Peppers</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">!”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Please remove all items from the scale</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">.”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“Scale? There’s a </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">scale</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">?”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Help is on the way</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">.”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“What? But help just </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">left</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">!”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Unexpected item in bagging area</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">.”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“Gaaaah!”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I watched all this go on with a strange (for me, at least) sort of calm, chuckling at each new dilemma and waving people off who tried to get in line behind me. “No, seriously,” I’d say. “It’s too late for me. Save yourself.” People came and went in the other lines around, entering the store, completing their shopping, moving through checkout, driving home, and probably cooking and eating their purchases as I stood there, giggling quietly each time the light above the price scanner took to flashing, heralding yet another visit from the ever-helpful clerk.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The clerk went through several hairstyles as time went on, finished high school, went to college, and started a family of his own. I watched with an odd sort of pride as he trained his oldest son to someday take over for him in the now family business of self-checkout help clerk. The kid was good, really good, jumping right in to enter a code into the scanner when Mr. Shopper was at a loss, or point out the bar code on the bottom of the bag of once-frozen mixed vegetables.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The bagging area is full</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">,” announced the price scanner, long before the cart was empty. “</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Please bag some of your items</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">.”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“Called it!” I cried, pumping a fist in the air. Several people gave me strange looks as Mr. Shopper, clearly wishing death upon me, tried for several minutes to pinch open one of those plastic shopping bags in the holder at the end of the bagging area.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Seasons turned. Styles changed. I filled out the form that would allow me, if things kept going the way they were going, to use a senior citizen discount when finally purchasing my food items. A dark-haired twentysomething with a basket over her arm got into line behind me.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“Young lady?” I said. I’d reached the age when referring to a twentysomething as </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">young lady</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> became perfectly acceptable way back when the price scanner was telling the openly weeping Mr. Shopper, “</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">You are purchasing an over-twenty-one item. Checkout help is required</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">.”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“Yes?”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I leaned a little closer, giving the woman a better look at my gray beard, deepening crow’s-feet, and—let’s be honest—the dim glow of madness in my eyes.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“I was your age when I got in this line,” I said. “You might want to give one of the other registers a try.”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">She chuckled nervously, but stayed put. “Thanks, but I’ll be fine.”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“Suit yourself,” I said.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Some time later, when Mr. Shopper dropped and shattered a glass jar of something quite red and </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">very</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> splashy all over the floor at the end of the register lane, I heard a quiet “Excuse me . . . pardon me . . . can I just . . .” I turned to find the twentysomething working her way through the crowd to another register. I didn’t blame her. Hell, I was </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">happy</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> for her. I smiled as I watched Clerk and Son of Clerk descend upon the red mess with a sort of glee, the former waving about great wads of paper towel, the latter wielding a Swiffer WetJet like some sort of neatnik samurai, then laughed when I remembered, so long ago, daydreaming about presenting a WetJet just like that to the Mole king.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I cackled.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The twentysomething turned and waved to me as she exited the store with her purchases, mouthing the words </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Good luck</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">. I hope she’s doing well.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">One day I woke from one of my standing naps to find Mr. Shopper gone. I stared awhile, unable to comprehend what I was seeing, until I was startled by a light poke in the back. “The register’s open,” said the young man behind me. A line had formed while I dozed, and the kid looked a little impatient.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“Well,” I said, my voice thick with tears. “So it is.”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I made my purchases and bagged my goods, the receipt telling me exactly how much I’d saved with my new senior citizen discount. I tottered off to the parking lot where, surprise surprise, I couldn’t find my car. The kid collecting shopping carts from the lot—Grandson of Clerk, I believe—made a couple of phone calls and found out my car had been thought abandoned and towed away years ago.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Dammit.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Grandson of Clerk was good enough to call me a taxi, which showed up a few minutes later. I climbed in as the cabbie loaded my groceries into the trunk, and the next thing I knew the man was back in the driver’s seat and asking me, “Okay, sir. Where to?”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Dammit.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">It seems I was in that store for so long I’ve forgotten my address. If there’s anyone out there who knows my son, Handsome, or maybe my grandkids—if I have any—and can let them know where I am? You’d be doing an old man a real kindness.</span></div>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Talk to you later?</span></div>
Rob Smaleshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02722186082049958329noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5432038467404446976.post-60255460697594207792017-02-20T18:12:00.001-05:002017-02-20T19:33:35.044-05:00Bucket-O-Pancake―Now With Chips!<b id="docs-internal-guid-05226c01-5dcb-260c-805f-6b0311f69f70" style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Greetings, WYMOP readers!</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I’d stopped to pick up Miss D on my way to Handsome’s house. The two were going to be heading to the mall in a bit to catch a morning movie, and since I’m a parent, I’m the ride; no worries, I get that. The boy had asked that I let him know when we were on the way, and I thought I also got that: just a little forewarning to make sure he was showered and pantsed by the time we walked in the door. It turned out I was wrong—he wanted the time to fill the house with smoke.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The blue haze greeting us as we walked into the kitchen. A great shape, notably larger than me, loomed before the stove, the outer edges of a pair of pans just visible around either side the dancing bulk. Eggs were happening in the pan on the left, while something pancakish was occurring in the one on the right, and there was a whole bunch of cracking, pouring, shaking, spattering, and spatula-ing going on—not to mention </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">just</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> a bit of under-the-breath cursing.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Handsome was committing aggravated breakfast.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“Has there been an actual fire?” I said.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“What?”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I waved a hand to hopefully clear a breathable patch. “The smoke.”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">He sniffed the air, such as it was. “I can’t smell anything. But I have a lousy sense of smell.”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I continued to wave. “But, don’t you have to breathe? Can’t you see?”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">He squinted. “Yes?”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“I don’t smell any smoke either,” said Miss D, standing back (wisely, I thought) quite a bit from the </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: line-through; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">scene of the crime</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> stove, and I will neither confirm nor deny that she covered her mouth and nose with a sleeve as she vocally stood by her man . . . from across the room.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“Quick pro tip,” I said, leaning past Handsome to poke one of the buttons on the front of the microwave/vent hood. The fan came on with a whir, sucking smoke out of the room a bit like Genie going back in the bottle (If you’re too young to get the reference, ask your parents—and if </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">they’re</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> too young, just keep it to yourself).</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“Well,” he said. “Would you look at that!” Then he grinned at me, in a way we writers sometimes describe as </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">maniacally</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">. “Thanks, Dad. Want a pancake?”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I finally did what I’d been avoiding all this time, and actually </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">looked</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> at the stovetop. My eyes shot back up to meet his again, and he may have seen something in my face. Could have been shock. Could have been horror. Could have been a blankness entering my eyes as I started to feel faint. But whatever he saw, it made his own manic smile falter a bit, and he went a little soft around the eyes, and that hint of disappointment touching my son’s expression made my own heart go pitter-pat.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I sighed. “Yes,” I said. “I’ll have a pan—”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“How about eggs,” he said, flipping a bunch of </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">stuff</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> onto a plate. “You want eggs?”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“I don’t eat eggs,” I said.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“You do today!” He thrust the plate of scrambled egg-covered pansplat into my hands.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“But I don’t </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">like</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> eggs,” I said.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“You do today!” he repeated, turning away to fix his own plate. Miss D came to me while he was distracted and rescued me from my eggs. I love that girl.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“Enjoy, Father,” Handsome said as he and D walked away with their plates. “If you want any more, there’s plenty of batter there.”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">He was right: sitting on the counter by the stove was a mixing bowl containing more than a half gallon of pancake batter, with what had to be a whole bag of chocolate chips stirred roughly in—which did go a ways in explaining the oddly cow flopish shape and coloring of the pansplat on my own plate. The wooden spoon stuck straight up from the center of the mass, and when I tried to pull the spoon out the bowl lifted up a bit before thunking back down to the counter, the strangely industrial-looking muck releasing the long-handled stirrer with an obvious sucking pop.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“What the hell,” I shouted, “am I supposed to do with </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">this</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">?”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“Put it in the fridge?” he called back. “I might want more pancakes later.”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“Right.”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“Oh, and we need more pancake mix.”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“No kidding?”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“And chocolate chips.”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“Right,” I said. Then, for want of anything positive to say about the kitchen—which looked like I’d need to hire one of those cleaning teams that come in after the police have released the scene—I said it again. “Right.”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">My pansplat, by the way, hideous as it was, was delicious.</span></div>
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<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Talk to you later.</span></div>
Rob Smaleshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02722186082049958329noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5432038467404446976.post-1583269523665134182017-02-13T23:02:00.000-05:002017-02-13T23:06:28.855-05:00Red Rum<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Greetings, WYMOP readers!</span></div>
<b id="docs-internal-guid-ab648821-38e3-00a4-1440-189376c99f44" style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I mentioned in my last WYMOP post that my son is moving into the basement, and we were doing some remodeling—mostly plaster and paint. He’d helped me with all the priming, then looked at paint samples with his mom and chosen the color (okay, he’d chosen black, but they’d </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">settled</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> on a color). I’d gone to Home Depot and had them mix me up a couple of gallons of Behr’s Red Red Red. Then came the weekend again, and I had the time, so it was on with the crappy clothes and down into Handsome’s future room to wield the roller like a Jedi.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I plugged my earbuds in and made with the painter’s tape. I popped open the first can, gave it a stir, and made my way around the room with the brush, cutting in all the borders and being careful not to get any Red Red Red on the freshly white ceiling. I’d picked up the audio version of Stephen King’s </span><a href="https://www.amazon.com/Different-Seasons-Stephen-King-ebook/dp/B018ER7L3Y/ref=sr_1_1_twi_kin_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1487012365&sr=8-1&keywords=stephen+king+different+seasons" style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #1155cc; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: underline; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Different Seasons</span></a><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> collection from the library earlier in the week, and I’d gotten to “The Body” (even if you’ve not read this novella, you may have seen </span><a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0092005/?ref_=nv_sr_1" style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #1155cc; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: underline; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Stand By Me</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #1155cc; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: underline; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> [1986]</span></a><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">, the film based on it). I wrapped the brush and broke out the roller and paint tray as Gordie, Chris, Teddy, and Vern made their plans to see the body of Ray Brower and set them in motion, facing down mean store clerks, evil dump managers, and even the vicious Chopper along the way. When the book came out in 1982 I was thirteen, just a year older than the four heroes of the tale, and I guess I was fourteen (the same age my son is now) when I first read it; maybe that’s why it’s always been one of my favorites.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I was having a fine time.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">When I was done (and I only got a </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">little</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> red paint on the ceiling) I went upstairs to clean up. </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">What the hell</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">, I thought, </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I might as well just take a shower.</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> First, though, I wanted to let my writing partner know I’d be working on our collaboration like I’d told her I would. I was a bit painty-fingered, so I just put my phone on the counter and pinkie-poked the speech-to-text icon. </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“We have a red room in the basement now,” I said, leaning over the phone a bit. “Going to clean up some and then I’ll get to the writing work.”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I poked <span id="docs-internal-guid-414b714d-3ac2-657f-bf4b-5c5046cd1074"><span style="font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; vertical-align: baseline;">Sᴇɴᴅ</span></span>, nudged the phone away from the counter’s edge, and headed for the shower. By the time I was dry and dressed again, she’d already responded:</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">You sure that’s a good thing?</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I was confused. I’d thought I was doing pretty well with the collaboration, so I couldn’t see why . . . I (now clean fingered) scrolled back to my message to her—and blinked.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">We have a red rum in the basement now . . .</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">If you’ve ever read/seen the Stephen King story </span><a href="https://www.amazon.com/Shining-Stephen-King-ebook/dp/B001BANK32/ref=sr_1_1_twi_kin_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1487012620&sr=8-1&keywords=The+Shining" style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #1155cc; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: underline; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The Shining</span></a><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">, you know why this gave me pause. If you haven’t, just read </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">red rum </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">backward and you’ll have a clue. Strange that voice recognition chose the day I’d been listening to a King story to make </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">that</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> particular mistake for the first time.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Handsome’s never seen or read </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The Shining</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">. I think I’ll not mention this . . .</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Talk to you later?</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-JHsFeJY_pyY/WKKCPDQMQyI/AAAAAAAAClE/OycKWhQ3Pm8Brpe7uxTzKvsWkThVeBtaQCLcB/s1600/redrum.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="180" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-JHsFeJY_pyY/WKKCPDQMQyI/AAAAAAAAClE/OycKWhQ3Pm8Brpe7uxTzKvsWkThVeBtaQCLcB/s320/redrum.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
Rob Smaleshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02722186082049958329noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5432038467404446976.post-37064702780753201622017-02-06T19:05:00.000-05:002017-02-06T19:11:18.757-05:00All Grown Up And Much Change To Show<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Hey there, WYMOP readers!</span></div>
<b id="docs-internal-guid-b93b622f-15e1-d69d-de89-7056998458de" style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-G06JCkv1kkc/WJkO5kzNyxI/AAAAAAAACkQ/KBhoW0Md8lIDBb4-swz_ir6b3hcT4hFdwCEw/s1600/paint-can-and-brush.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-G06JCkv1kkc/WJkO5kzNyxI/AAAAAAAACkQ/KBhoW0Md8lIDBb4-swz_ir6b3hcT4hFdwCEw/s320/paint-can-and-brush.jpg" width="255" /></a><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I may have mentioned this before, but my son, Handsome, is growing up. I’m not even kidding. The day he turned fourteen he was already bigger than me—not just taller, but </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">bigger</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">. If you’re a regular WYMOP reader, you may have already gotten the story of his fairly sophisticated and perfectly executed plan for last Christmas (if not, see </span><a href="http://lifeis-whathappens.blogspot.com/2017/01/your-mission-should-you-choose-to.html" style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #4a86e8; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Your Mission, Should You Choose To Accept It . . .</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">). He seems to constantly be doing little things here and there—his own laundry, cooking, and being more diligent in his studies, for some examples—</span></a><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">that drive home to me just how grown-up he’s becoming.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">So when the basement became available (a family member who’d been living there moved out), I wasn’t surprised when he put in an immediate claim for it; he’d long outgrown his own little bedroom, and had just been waiting for this opportunity. First, though, I had my own demands: some work needed to be done down there before he moved in. The family room had been finished down there before we’d bought the house, but it was kind of a shoddy job, and though I wasn’t going to make him wait while I ripped it all out and started from scratch, some serious plaster and paint work needed to be done down there, and that just for starters.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I put in the time skim coating and sanding the walls and ceiling (you’re not supposed to see </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">any</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> screws or seams in finished drywall, never mind </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">every</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">), and the time had come to prime and paint. I informed Handsome he was helping with this part (to be fair, he did offer to help with the sanding, but I sent him outside to shovel snow instead), and </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">he </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">informed </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">me</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> that his girlfriend, Miss D, was also helping. It seems they’d discussed it before I even mentioned anything; yet another sign that my boy is growing up.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Miss D did the cutting in with a brush while Handsome and I worked the rollers, and in less than two hours the patchwork of new joint compound and old salmon paint (yup, salmon. I </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">told</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> you it needed work!) was the uniform gray of fresh Kilz®. I stood looking at the job we’d done, reflecting on the fact that this was all just another step in my little boy’s journey toward adulthood. He’ll be driving in about a year and a half. Then comes graduation, followed by college, and </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">then</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">—</span></div>
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-WfjT5f4oyek/WJkPyhi_Y3I/AAAAAAAACkY/7rfVMFdPjx4hsCOmaHKarXHhIoLaHgjCgCLcB/s1600/right%2Bhand.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-WfjT5f4oyek/WJkPyhi_Y3I/AAAAAAAACkY/7rfVMFdPjx4hsCOmaHKarXHhIoLaHgjCgCLcB/s200/right%2Bhand.jpg" width="145" /></a><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I’d started to feel a little overwhelmed, when I glanced over at Handsome. There stood my six-foot tall, soon-to-be driving, future high school graduate and college student, face wreathed in a beatific smile . . . using his roller to carefully apply an even coat of Kilz to his entire latex-gloved hand.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I let out a sudden, relaxed breath. It was good to see some things don’t change.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Talk to you later!</span></div>
Rob Smaleshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02722186082049958329noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5432038467404446976.post-18028788058795121002017-01-30T22:15:00.001-05:002017-01-30T22:15:33.517-05:00The Eyes Have It<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Greetings, WYMOP readers!</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">For the past year or more, Facebook has been drowning in political posts, and in the past week they’ve only picked up speed, like a toddler running downhill after a ball who’s just realized things are about to end badly. Usually I’m apolitical: I have opinions, but don’t want to get involved in the “discussion,” since it’s more than likely to degenerate into name calling—though, on Facebook sometimes it </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 16px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">starts out </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">with name calling, which does save some time. I’ve been posting less and less of my own thoughts (mostly about the people I meet at work), and simply reading the argum—I mean, “discussions” on friends’ walls and getting more and more depressed.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Then I saw it: a post on a friend’s wall, starting out with “</span><span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Why not take a break from negativity and learn about each other?” It was followed by a bunch of simple questions, like “Who are you named after?” and “Last time you cried?”</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 16px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Well, this looks cool</span><span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">, I thought. </span><span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 16px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">And fun. He’s right—this might be just the little Facebook thing to get my mind off the negativity.</span><span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> So I copied it into my own status and started replacing his answers with my own.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“Named after? My father, and his father before him. Last time I cried?” That one took a little thought. “A couple of months ago, I think.” Pop or water? Favorite lunch meat? Do you still have your tonsils? The questions went on and on, some of them fun, some of them plain, but even answering the plain ones was kind of fun. Then I got to question #20: “Eye color?”</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“Blue,” I said. Then: “No, green.” Then: “Uh</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> . . .</span><span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">”</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Look, it’s not like I can actually </span><span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 16px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">see</span><span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> my eyes, and there aren’t any mirrors near my computer desk. Hell, there aren’t any mirrors in my </span><span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 16px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">room</span><span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">, no real reflective surfaces</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> at all, unless you want to count the windows once it gets dark. I got up and headed into the bathroom, determined to be as truthful as possible with this little Q & A, just for the fun of it. I flipped on the vanity lights and leaned in toward the mirror.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 16px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Well, that didn’t help</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">, I thought. </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 16px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The lights are right above my head. All I’ve done is throw my eye sockets into shadow, and I can’t quite make out the eyes in there.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I flipped the second lightswitch. With a whir and hum the vent fan kicked on, and the light above the shower flickered to life. </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 16px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">There</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">, I said to myself. </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 16px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">That’ll be </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">behind</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 16px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> me, and I should be able to—</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Nope. With the lights above </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 16px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">and</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> behind me, my eyes were cast into even deeper shadow. I leaned closer. I leaned away. I turned slightly from side to side.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">No dice.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I sighed.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I went into the bedroom and scooped something from the bookshelf by my bed, then returned to the bathroom. I looked in the mirror, leaning close again.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I sighed.</span></div>
<span id="docs-internal-guid-10a1e316-f282-48ea-0796-badad86288d5"></span><br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I sighed a third time as I sat at my desk, typing “Blue-green” into the fun little getting-to-know-you quiz. I ran through the rest of the questions without incident, feeling a little depressed. I posted the thing, stared for a moment at the slightly larger-than-usual text on my computer screen, then set aside the reading glasses I’d been forced to don for the first time out of necessity, rather than for comfort, merely to see the color of my own eyes. I caught myself trying to sigh a fourth time, then scrolled on through Facebook. Maybe I’d find an amusing political post that would cheer me up.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Talk to you later!</span></div>
Rob Smaleshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02722186082049958329noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5432038467404446976.post-13046012307442502382017-01-23T22:24:00.001-05:002017-01-23T22:24:29.967-05:00The Secret Laws<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Greetings, WYMOP readers!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia; font-size: 16px; white-space: pre-wrap;">This week I thought I’d share with you a group of natural laws no one talks about . . . but everyone knows. Off the top of my head, some of them are:</span></div>
<b id="docs-internal-guid-49310721-ce7f-8777-c43b-397fc659bb7e" style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Sarcasm is hereditary. Dammit.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">There are people out there who will </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 16px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">never</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> simply know that it’s hot enough for you.</span></div>
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<li dir="ltr" style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; list-style-type: decimal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Whenever a specialist—</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 16px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">any</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> kind of specialist, computer, mechanical, medical, whatever—makes any kind of non-verbal vocalization (grunt, mhmm, ah, etc.), they are trying to figure out how many zeroes to attach to your bill.</span></div>
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<ol style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<li dir="ltr" style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; list-style-type: lower-alpha; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Being aware of this, one may begin to weep at this point. It won’t do you any good, but crying releases endorphins, which will make you feel better, so go ahead: sob away.</span></div>
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</ol>
<li dir="ltr" style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; list-style-type: decimal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Yes, windshield wipers are designed to wear away faster on the driver’s side, at the approximate height of the driver’s line of sight, leaving the passenger with an unobstructed view of the back of the stopped bus they are hurtling toward that the driver cannot see.</span></div>
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<ol style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<li dir="ltr" style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; list-style-type: lower-alpha; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">One effective—if expensive—fix for this, is to special order windscreen wipers from England, where the driver’s seat is on the right-hand side of the vehicle. Three months after installation your passenger won’t be able to see anything, but @#$% them, they should have warned you about that bus.</span></div>
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</ol>
<li dir="ltr" style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; list-style-type: decimal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Politics brings out the best in people.</span></div>
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<ol style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<li dir="ltr" style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; list-style-type: lower-alpha; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Hahahahahaha . . . no, not really. I just wanted to see if you were paying attention.</span></div>
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</ol>
<li dir="ltr" style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; list-style-type: decimal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Insisting again and again to someone that they </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 16px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">are</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> angry is an almost sure way to wind up right. And in the emergency room. So you’ll have won the argument, but at what cost? You’ll find out later, but the doctor who set your broken nose and is even now stitching your split lip just said “mhmm,” so start weeping. You’ll feel better. (Please see #3 above.)</span></div>
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<li dir="ltr" style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; list-style-type: decimal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Waitstaff appear at your table the instant your mouth is full. It’s not in the training, and they don’t do it intentionally; it’s simply a natural law. This is the reason we, as a people, tend to go out to dinner in groups of two or more. The inverse can also be true, and this is why sometimes, when a couple eats alternatively (one taking a bite, then the other, and so forth), they complain of never </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 16px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">seeing</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> the waitstaff. It’s not their fault; it’s a natural law.</span></div>
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<ol style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<li dir="ltr" style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; list-style-type: lower-alpha; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">For persons who habitually dine alone, I am preparing some printed cards to bring to dinner, bearing phrases such as: </span></div>
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<ul style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<li dir="ltr" style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; list-style-type: square; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 16px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Everything’s great, thanks!</span></div>
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<li dir="ltr" style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; list-style-type: square; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 16px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I’ll have another Coke/Diet Coke/Pepsi/Sprite, please.
</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 16px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">and</span></div>
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<li dir="ltr" style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; list-style-type: square; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 16px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I have a nut allergy and I seem to have forgotten my EpiPen. Quick—call an ambu-awk . . . gasp . . .</span></div>
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</ul>
</ol>
</ol>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I think that’s enough for now, but I may post more of these in the future, if enough occur to me.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Dammit! One more </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 16px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">did </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">just occur to me! I’ll hold onto it for the next Secret Laws installment, but before I go write it down, I’ll share the Secret Meta-law you see in effect:</span></div>
<ol style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<li dir="ltr" style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; list-style-type: decimal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">As soon as you say a list is complete, you will always, </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 16px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">always</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> think of another thing to add.</span></div>
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<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Georgia; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Talk to you later!</span></div>
Rob Smaleshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02722186082049958329noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5432038467404446976.post-10943783546737926642017-01-16T18:44:00.002-05:002017-01-16T18:46:06.856-05:00A Scene From Writing Life: Reality Brakes<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Greetings, WYMOP readers!</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">This week, I bring you a scene from writing life:</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 2.4; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 36pt;">
<b id="docs-internal-guid-93e26672-a9a8-d516-4098-d2ee3261f17a" style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">At a recent multi-author event, we held a large, multi-prize raffle: each item had a bucket, and players bought their tickets and simply put them into the buckets for each of the things they were interested in, one chance per ticket. Participating authors also had buckets, winners there to have themselves written into a story by said author. It’s a neat little prize, and hey, we’re all going to be writing stories anyway, right?</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">At the end of the event I checked my bucket and found only four tickets, but three names—someone had put their name in twice. Flattering, yes? So it was just three names—two women and a man—and I knew all of them but one woman. I’d already planned on writing more short work for submission this year, so I decided on the spot to use all three: </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 16px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">bang</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">—everyone’s a winner. I put things off through the holidays, then set about thinking of a story for one of them.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">But wait! Inspiration hit me like a wrecking ball—the one Wile E. Coyote used against Roadrunner, not the one a naked Miley Cyrus rode into the hearts of millions of fourteen-year-old boys.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I have a story idea I’ve been meaning to write for the better part of a year: basically a three-person play, opening with a wife storming into a hotel room to catch her husband in bed with another woman. Two women and a man, all three major characters in the story—and I had two women and a man who wanted to be written </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 16px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">into</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> a story. Perfect! It was a certifiably </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 16px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">genius</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> idea, that I would knock out of the park! I was so excited I decided to run the idea past my writing/editing partner (who also knows two of the three persons involved).</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia";"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;">I'll somewhat paraphrase our conversation:</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia";"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">SL. So you have [man], [woman 1], and [woman 2], whom you do not know.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "cousine"; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Mᴇ. Yeah, but I figure I don’t know [woman 2], so I’ll cast [woman 1] as the chippie.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">SL. You can’t.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "cousine"; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Mᴇ. Well, I mean, I’ll run it by [woman 1] first, of course, but—</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">SL. You can’t do that.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "cousine"; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Mᴇ. Yeah, but she </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 16px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">really</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> wanted to be in my story, so I think she’d be okay with—</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">SL. But what about her fiancé?</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "cousine"; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Mᴇ. Uh . . .</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">SL. He’d be pissed.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "cousine"; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Mᴇ. But it’s just fiction. I could add a disclaimer saying—</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">SL. You can add whatever you want, but if you write a story where [woman 1] is in bed with another man, stealing someone’s husband, he’s going to be pissed.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "cousine"; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Mᴇ. Maybe you’re right. But what if I—</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">SL. He’ll be pissed.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "cousine"; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Mᴇ. I could—</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">SL. He’ll be pissed.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Me. But he’s—</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">SL. Pissed.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 16px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Pause</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "cousine"; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Mᴇ. Pissed?</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">SL. Pissed.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 16px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Pause</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "cousine"; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Mᴇ. So, considering that [fiancé] might get pissed, I’ve decided to think of something else to do.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">SL. Good thinking.</span></div>
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<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></b></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Okay, yeah, sometimes it’s really, </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 16px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">really</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "georgia"; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> good to have someone else there to slam on the reality brakes.</span></div>
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-2ky6KErZDO8/WHzr_f0bDOI/AAAAAAAACgo/f1OmuyxX-jEKbcy6_ozmQ5b0vBRxkrHjACLcB/s1600/Coyote-Wrecking%2BBall.gif" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-2ky6KErZDO8/WHzr_f0bDOI/AAAAAAAACgo/f1OmuyxX-jEKbcy6_ozmQ5b0vBRxkrHjACLcB/s320/Coyote-Wrecking%2BBall.gif" width="320" /></a><br />
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Rob Smaleshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02722186082049958329noreply@blogger.com0