Monday, August 8, 2011

Just A Little Rainy Day Advice

To whom it may concern:
If you are anxiously waiting for the arrival of the mail (some might say with bated breath), please, take note of the weather.
If you attempt to look out the window of your lovely, climate controlled, completely weather-proof dwelling, and the world outside appears to be quite wavery and indistinct, there are three things it could be.

  1. You are having some sort of acid flashback. The odds of this happening to you are for you to decide. I have no idea what kind of life you've lived, I'm not here to judge, to each his/her own.
  2. You have forgotten to put on your glasses. Again, whether you have done this or not is for you alone to decide. Do you even wear glasses? Maybe you would be able to remember things like that if you hadn't done so much acid...
  3. It's raining out. 
There, that's it, that third one there. That's what I'm here to talk about. If you think it may be raining there are things you can do to find out. Verification, as it were. You can check the weather in the newspaper, on the news or weather channel, or you can check it online. You can listen for the drumming sound of rain in the roof or even on the very window you are trying to see through. Last but not least, if you are feeling really daring, you can open the door and step outside. If you come back inside in need of a towel, it's raining.

This may seem like a bit of an oversimplification to some of you, but trust me folks, there are some people out there in need of this information.

Now, is it raining a little, or a lot?
To help you with the difference between "little" and "lot", I refer you to Sesame Street, episodes 24 and 37. I don't think I could do a better job of explaining it than Big Bird, Grover, Bert and Ernie, and that Grouch fellow. Experts one and all!
If you are having difficulty seeing out your window, then I'll go out on a limb here and say it's raining a lot. If it's really raining, there are certain terms and phrases that people use. 'Raining cats and dogs' is an oldie but goodie, though it does conjure up some seriously disturbing images. My grandfather would say it was 'raining like the dickens', although I have no idea what a 'dickens' is, or what it has to do with meteorology. I would be most likely to steal a phrase from my own father and say it was 'raining like a bastard', though again, I have no real idea what someone's legitimacy has to do with the weather. I just like the sound of that one.
Now, once you determine that it is indeed 'raining like a bastard', you may continue to keep an eye out for the mailman. Remember the mailman? At the start of all this was the premise that someone was waiting anxiously for the mail? Remember?
When the mailman comes along, take a good look at him. Or her. Even if you have to open the door to do it. Why not, you're going to open the door to snatch the mail from their hand anyway, right? So look at them. Are they soaked to the skin? Do they have a downtrodden, exhausted look on their face? No spring in their step? Is their hat all shapeless and pulled to the side a bit because the brim has absorbed so much water? Can you hear their shoes squish with water every time they take a step?
Okay, then my advice to you is not to take the mail from their hand, shake it a little, and say "Aw, it's a little wet," in a disappointed voice. And whatever you do, do not ask "isn't there any way you could get this to me dry?" If you do either one of these things (and if you have done them you know who you are) then what you probably got for a response was a blank stare lasting anywhere from 2-10 seconds before your carrier turned and walked away without answering.
Now, I'm advising you not to do these things because, when this situation arises, that 2-10 second stare is when we are deciding whether to kill you or not. The longer the stare the more we are weighing whether or not prison would be worth it.

Think about it.

Talk to you later!

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