Mail Bag! 9-5-11

Well, it's been about a month since last time, and I really don't have anything I'd like to put in here from today, so I think it's time we looked at some of the stuff that's shown up in my Junk Mail file over the past 30 days.

Digital Deals - "I'm not a fan of scaring people, but you need to read this"

• Really? You're not a fan of scaring people, but wooga-wooga-wooga? Well, I'm not a fan of telling people 'no', but you're going straight in the 'Deleted Items' folder. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200. Or whatever you were looking to collect. Beat it.

Digital Deals (yes, again) - "Do you remember Amos & Andy"

• Nope. And where's your question mark? All questions must be phrased in the form of a question. Look up Alex Trebek in the dictionary. Next!

AARP Membership - "AARP Discounts Notice"

• I don't subscribe to AARP. The only kind of 'discount' you people could offer would be to give me money! I'm all for that! Aside from this, for the love of God could you people just leave me alone? I'm 42, you wrinkled vultures! You have better than 20 years to wait, here! Take a walk, play some checkers, get a hobby!

Infinity Shoes - "New Miz Mooz Boots. Free Delivery Right to Your Door."

• You're kidding, right? The first mail I have in the file that actually sprang for punctuation in its subject line, and they're offering me women's boots? Seriously? I'm thinking you could skimp on a period or two if it would get you the funding to do enough research that you're hitting your actual target audience with stuff like this!

Real Writing Jobs - "Rob, Evil Genius or Mad Scientist?" 

• Look you idiots, if you're right either way you're screwed. Whether I'm an Evil Genius or a Mad Scientist, I don't want a lot of people knowing what I'm up to. That would just be inviting them to look in at what I'm doing, and Mad or Evil, I'm kinda thinking it's a secret. You apparently think you know something, and I can't have you spreading it around. Y'all are now scheduled for a visit from either my Henchmen or my Assistant, depending on which way I'm leaning here. I hope you enjoy the rest of your life as my own personal mindless slave, or on my Island of Experiments Gone Awry, or whatever. Way to go, blabbermouth!

Okay, I think that's enough for tonight. I have to go have Igor tell the Henchmen to suit up, they have a job to do. Oh, didn't I mention I'm a Mad Evil Genius Scientist? Those people at Real Writing Jobs are so screwed!

Talk to you later!