Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Letterman Revisited!

Do you remember that old children's television show "The Electric Company"? The one where a [then] young Morgan Freeman got his start? There was a recurring bit on that show, a short cartoon where there was a superhero named Letterman. No, not Dave Letterman. Pronounced more like 'Superman'. Letterman was "Faster than a rolling 'O' ... more powerful than a silent 'E' ... able to leap over a capitol 'T' in a single bound..." When I was about 3 or 4 years old he was my first exposure to any kind of comic-book superhero, and all he could really do was tear the letter off the front of his varsity football sweater (yes, he wore the helmet, too) and change one letter in a word that had gone wrong,thus changing the whole situation.
I wonder how he would stack up today, about 40 years later?

A bank robbery in progress. All the customers and employees are face down on the floor. A half dozen men in masks have automatic weapons and are waving them wildly, trying to keep everyone covered and get all the money they can as quickly as possible. They already clubbed the bank guard unconscious, striking him with the butt of a gun and then kicking him repeatedly in order to show the hostages they mean business.
Out of nowhere, a bulky man in a football helmet bursts through the door. With a triumphant grin he tears the letter from the front of his jersey, flinging it onto the air to turn their 'guns' into 'buns'. The men are stunned to suddenly be holding nothing more than long loaves of iced french bread! Letterman then takes a wide, heroic stance in the front of the bank and shouts "Ha! The jig is up! Drop those buns, you're coming with me!"
The men do drop the buns, but rather than coming with him, they attack. Having used the one letter from the front of his jersey, Letterman is unable to turn their 'fight' into 'flight', or turn their 'rage' into 'rags'. The men proceed to beat the crap out of Letterman, and the police find him on the scene when they respond to the silent alarm.

Hmmm... not so good for Letterman. Let's try again.

There is a hostage situation where the hostages are bound hand and foot. Letterman bursts onto the scene and turns the 'rope' into 'hope', and then the kidnappers beat the crap out of -

No.. no... hold on...

There is a high-speed chase, a flight from justice kind of thing. Letterman races out and turns their 'flight' into 'fright', so they run him over with - no, wait, he turns their 'tire' into a 'mire', and they get stuck in the mud. They leap out of the car and proceed to beat the -

Hold it, no, no... I can do this...

There is a mugging in progress, the mugger wielding a bat. Letterman turns the 'bat' into a 'hat', and the mugger kicks him in the -

Okay, no, I thought I had it that time. Wait!

Kid's parties! He works kid's parties! ...and anyone who's ever worked a kid's party can tell you that they'll beat the crap out of him. I forgot about that.

Okay. I quit. Maybe I could just hire him as a proofreader?

Talk to you later!

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