Sunday, June 5, 2011

Slowpoke McSaab and Losing My Mind

There we were, Handsome and I, driving to theater. We were trying to get there in time to see "Kung-Fu Panda 2", and we were running late.
I am always running late. It's axiomatic.
Also axiomatic is the fact that when I am running late, and I am in a hurry, the slowest people in town will get out there in front of me, no matter the cost to themselves. They cut me off, they cut each-other off, they cut  everyone off in their efforts to be between me and wherever it is I am trying to get to.

I do not take it well.

Handsome, on the other hand, thinks it's the greatest thing. He knows that when I have someone in front of me making me even more late, I start to lose my mind. Rapidly. I try to keep the windows up when I start to do this, since I begin to talk to the driver in front of me. Loudly.
So, today, as we drove along I was right on the tail of the guy in front of me. Not tailgating, but close enough that no one should have been trying to get between us. There was no cut-off room involved. This being Massachusetts I know that there is no such thing as cut-off room without an actual cut-off!
I got cut off anyway.
Now, there was room behind me. There was plenty of room behind me, and though the guy in front of me was moving at a pretty good clip there was, as I said, no room in front of me. The came the Saab. The grey Saab, being driven by a grey man. He came from my left, did kind of a rolling stop at his stop sign, and forced his way into traffic in front of me. He almost hit my nose as well as the tail if the guy in front of me.
Okay,  I thought. He's forced his way in here, and we're moving pretty well... maybe he has the right idea and we can all keep rolling along...
The first thing I noticed was that I didn't have to hit the gas. I had hit the brake in order not to hit this paramour of driving virtue, and as he took his place in front of me I found that I was just rolling along, not having to speed up at all.
The second thing I noticed was that the guy in front of the grey Saab, the guy who had been right in front of me, was still cruising, and was rapidly getting farther away as we just rolled along without effort.
The third thing I noticed was Handsome, sitting in the seat next to me, watching me intensely for signs he should start laughing.
I held it together for a little while. Maybe 10 seconds, maybe 12.  Then I started talking.
"C'mon! Get up there! You see where he is? Go get him, hug his butt!"
Handsome started laughing. I looked over at him.
"Well, when he cut us off he was hugging that guy's butt, but now look! His butt's way up there where we should be, but we're stuck back here behind this guy's butt!"
We came to our turn off, and the dude in the Saab took it in front of us, still blocking our path to speedy travel.
"Terrific! That's just terrific!"
We came to the end of the street we were on, where we had to take a left or a right. We were going to take a right. And so was Saabman, according to his directional. Not according to his motion, though. According to his motion he was parked at a stop sign with his directional on and contemplating Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness. Any cross traffic that he would have to merge with was about 3 miles away, but he was choosing this moment to be cautious. Like he couldn't have been cautious when he was deciding whether to cut me off?
I began to get louder, though I think the windows were down.
"Can you feel me, back here, hating you!?"
Handsome was thrashing about in his seat with laughter.
SaabDude took the right, and I ripped out behind him, and we proceeded to move along a street that was clearly marked at 35 mph... at about 27-28 mph.
"Shift into second! Upshift! Upshift! Oh, for God's sake, the gas is the long tall pedal on the right!"
I believe that by this time my volume could be described as 'screaming'.
After that it's kind of a blur, and I'm not sure what I said. I know I did not swear, exactly, because Handsome was in the car. I recall Handsome opening his window at one point and hanging his head outside because he was laughing so hard he was in danger of throwing up.

In all fairness, I do play this up a bit in an effort to make the kid laugh just that hard.

Eventually, the Saab turned off when we were going straight, and we were able to move a little faster than a stiff jog, and I began to calm down. I drove fast, but not too fast because I am aware of the dangers to Handsome if I drive like a total &%$#$%, and I actually am careful with him.
We did, however, make the movie.
Thank God for all those movie trailers!

Talk to you later!


  1. Nice cover with the remark to "playing it up a bit" for his benefit. LOL!!!!!

  2. I am not, as you now know, normally a man of few words. But in this case, a simple link may do. You might check with your health insurance provider; this might be considered a risk mitigator in your case, and thereby covered:


    Noah E.

  3. Hey Noah, thanks! That looks incredible, and if there was something out there that would make Handsome laugh even harder...