Monday, June 13, 2011

Teriyaki Time Travel

 Okay... today we go back in time. It's not today, it's a completely different day, completely unlike this day that we call 'today'. I'll call this day...


Yeah... I like that. Okay, so, go back in your mind to this so-called 'yesterday', and you may remember that, way back then, I was writing a blog. It was, in fact, a lot like this one I'm writing now. So anyway, cast your mind back … back … back … ok, a little too far, not that far back … good. Right. So it's 'yesterday'.
'Yesterday', if you can remember reading my blog that far back, I mentioned that I was making mostaccioli for Handsome to eat for the rest of the week, and that while I was making this 'future leftover', Handsome was making a meal of 'past leftovers' at the kitchen table behind me.

'Yesterday', 'future leftovers', 'past leftovers' … whew! And that's just the beginning! Don't worry. I'll see if I can get Stephen Hawking to do some kind of Cliff Notes on this entry.

Okay, stick with me. What I did not tell you, because I didn't know it was relevant at the time, was what I ate for dinner. When I went to the store to get the beef for the mostaccioli, (this was before Handsome and I were eating while I was cooking. I know! Another jump in time! I'm sorry … I'll try to keep things as linear as possible, for the good of Mankind.) I picked up some Chinese Teriyaki sausages. Before I started cooking I turned the oven on and threw the sausages in there on the broiler and just kept an eye on them. They were done before the casserole was ready to go in the oven, so I took them out, cut them up, and ate them while I was stirring the white-sauce for the mostaccioli. Stirring with one hand, and wielding the fork with the other, like some sort of amazingly clumsy and under-trained Hibachi Chef, I consumed all eight sausages from the pack, one after the other.

They were delicious.
And that was dinner.

I wasn't over-full, I didn't have any side-dishes, I just ate while I cooked and it was tasty as hell.

Until …

Okay, I'm sorry, but for this all to make sense, I have to time travel again. Way back this time, back, back, back some more … keep going … almost … Okay! Stop! We're a month ago, at my doctor's office. I was in there talking to her about my steroid treatments and she mentioned a side-effect. She said that steroids, both oral and intravenous, can cause heartburn and indigestion.


Okay... now fast forward back to yesterday (forward back to yesterday? Stephen Hawking better have his thinking cap on when he goes over this, that's all I have to say!) later on in yesterday, all the way to last night. Here's where the whole time-travel angle really comes into it. Those sausages had been eaten hours before. They were gone. In the past. Practically forgotten, by the time I lay down to go to bed.

But they came back. And they were mad.

As soon as I lay down to go to sleep, they attacked, burning pain in my chest and gut. It took me a few minutes to figure out what was happening, but once I did, it seemed obvious. The pain was pretty bad, and I was pretty confused. What was this pain, and where was it coming from? As I lay there, groaning and wondering, I got my answer.
I burped.


It's them!

That's when I knew. Somehow, the sausages were back, and with a vengeance! I wondered how they could be back, since it had been hours, I had quite thoroughly eaten them, and they were gone, long gone.
My first thought was ghosts! Spirit sausages crossing back over from the Great Beyond, crossing back with a purpose, a vendetta! An hour later I knew that was wrong. Spirit sausages would lack substance, be incorporeal. The ultimate in light sausages: 100% meat free meat! But I could feel them, all eight of them, punishing me whenever I tried to rest. They had been utterly destroyed hours ago, but I could still feel them whenever they attacked. I could feel them, but not see them. When I said that aloud, lying in my bed of agony, that was when I knew the truth:

Time Traveling Ninja Sausages.

Time Traveling Ninja Sausages had somehow gotten word that I was to be their doom, and had come forward in time to punish me with their terrible Teriyaki Training. I tried to defend myself any way I could, but no matter how I tossed and turned, how I shifted and stirred, no matter what position I twisted myself into, they found the perfect angle to attack my weak spots; striking from the shadows, unseen in the night, stabbing and twisting my innards, tortuously keeping me from getting any rest until, finally, the alarm went off and they fled. I lay there, spent, chest burning, the terrible taste of …

Okay. Now that I've read back over this, it's entirely possible that the Time Traveling Ninja Sausages were a bit of a bad dream. A dream that seemed all too real as I tossed and turned the night away, pungent Teryaki fumes emanating from orifices best left unmentioned …

of course, that's just what Teriyaki Trained Time Traveling Ninja Sausages would want you to think!

(Cue Twilight Zone Music)

Talk to you later!


  1. Congratulations. You've discovered the missing link. The gateway to the Nexium. Anti-meater.

    And all that before breakfast. Bravo!

  2. Yes, and the biggest danger for Time-Traveling Sausages would be a paradox in which they meat themselves...