Sunday, November 6, 2011

Human Honey

On Halloween, someone toward the end of trick-or Treating gave Handsome a Devil Dog. He walked away from the house holding it in his hand, and said "All they were giving out were Twinkies."
I looked at the Devil Dog in his hand, and thought:

"That's not a Twinkie. That's a Devil Dog. A Devil Dog, you see, is two flat 
chocolate cakes with a layer of cream in between them. Sometimes, most times, the cake is dry. You have to have a drink handy if you want to scarf down a Devil Dog or you might choke to death! You have to have chocolate and cream, you want to try a Big Wheel, or a Swiss Roll! There you have the chocolate cake, but 
you have the cream fully enclosed by the cake, and the cake is protected, practically hermetically sealed by a coating of chocolate! That chocolate coating keeps the cake fresh and moist, and that in turn keeps the cream soft and fluffy, so the whole thing, either the Swiss Roll or the Big Wheel, is nothing but a fistful of chocolaty-creamy goodness! You can eat two, maybe three of either of them before you need to swill down some milk to clear your palate. The improvement over the Devil Dog is almost indescribable! 

The Twinkie, on the other hand, has nothing to do with chocolate! No chocolate cake, no chocolate coating, no chocolate nothing! What you have instead is a loaf of golden yellow cake, the underside of which has three little holes, like  the Twinkie has three little butts, but instead of something nasty coming out they use those holes to shoot the Twinkie so full of soft, sweet moist cream filling you can't understand how the damn Twinkie doesn't just explode. The delicious golden cake is so moist, and stays so moist, you can eat a whole box of them and never get thirsty. I have no idea what their secret is, whether they use alien technology or oompa loompas or if they just make them with unheard of amounts of love, but Twinkies don't go bad, or dry out, or ever become inedible through natural means. 
You can unwrap a Twinkie the day your child is born, put that delectable creme-filled treat out on a plate in the middle of the kitchen table, leave it there, untouched and unprotected until your child's 18th bitrthday and then allow them to eat that plate full of yellow sugary goodness and it will be just as edible, just as moist and just as delicious as it was the day you unwrapped it 18 long years ago. Twinkies are like man-made honey, and should be buried with our dead in case they wake up from their sleep of Death, once they've shuffled off this mortal coil, and are feeling a mite peckish when they do. Twinkies are our Perfect Food."

But what I said was, "Uh... that's a devil Dog."

Talk to you later!

No comments:

Post a Comment