My son, for whom we have many nicknames, comes to stay with me on weekends. For the purposes of this particular blog entry, I'll call him Handsome.
Two weeks ago, Handsome came to spend the night with me where I am staying at F-'s house. I'll call him F-. It was the next morning, and Handsome was looking for something to watch on television. F- suggested they look through Netflix, and suggested that Handsome watch "The Fifth Element". I was a bit distracted working on a story I was writing for Handsome at the time, and I neglected to look at With Kids in Mind, which is a website devoted to giving movie ratings that work for parents wanting to know the level of appropriateness of movies for their children. I concentrated a bit, but didn't recall anything too bad in the movie. There was some violence, but it was mostly a little cartoonish, and usually Handsome is quite good about that stuff for an 8-year old. F- put it on and left on some errands, and I sat at the table behind the couch to work on the story while Handsome lay on the couch and watched the movie.
I occasionally explained something someone said, or their motivations to Handsome, but the language is pretty good in that movie, so there were no red flags flying for me there. Everything was going swimmingly. Then came the lift-off scene.
For those of you who have never seen the movie "The Fifth Element", there is a scene where a Spaceliner Starship is taking off, and the flight crew is trying to get all the passengers ready to go. The part that I had forgotten, forgotten entirely, is that there is a bit of a sex scene during lift-off.
All you see is the flight attendant's face as she leans back against a wall, and then the man who is kneeling in front of her stands up to talk. Then he goes back down out of the frame. He stands up and goes down a few times, and during the times while he is down the woman is... responding to his ministrations. Visibly and vocally. There is no nudity, there is no language, there is no description of what is going on. There is just her reaction.
As this scene began I looked up from my writing and froze. I suddenly remembered the entire scene, and knew what was coming. I looked about, but the remote was on the table in front of the couch, no where near me. I looked at the back of Handsome's head, visible as it lay against the arm-rest of the couch. His head was not moving, and he was not talking. I prayed to God that he had fallen asleep.
Without warning, just before the culmination of the scene, the head in front of me popped up and spun about as Handsome sat up, looked at me and pointed at the screen.
"I don't know what he's doing, but she likes it!"
He looked at the screen, then back at me.
"I don't know what he's doing, -"
"Stop! Stop talking!"
I was holding up a hand like a traffic cop.
I know my face was red; I could feel the heat from my cheeks.
"Please.... just stop talking. I'll explain in about ten years."
I wordlessly grunted and thrust my traffic-cop palm at him, commanding silence. I actually did it two or three times before it worked, and he settled down to watch the rest of the movie. I sat behind him, seriously wracked my brain for anything else I may have forgotten, and waited for the hot feeling to leave my face.
It took a while.
Author's Note: Before anyone points the 'bad parent' finger at me, I usually do use that website to check out movies he wants to watch. This was seriously something that happened while I was making other plans... and besides, F- was delighted to hear how my afternoon turned out!