SEVERE WEATHER ALERT (Yes, this is the actual weather advisory for my area today)
...WIND ADVISORY REMAINS IN EFFECT UNTIL 8 PM EST THIS EVENING...
* LOCATIONS...NORTHEASTERN CONNECTICUT...CENTRAL AND EASTERN
MASSACHUSETTS INCLUDING NORTHERN PORTIONS OF THE SOUTHEASTERN
COASTAL PLAIN...AND NORTHERN AND CENTRAL RHODE ISLAND.
* HAZARDS...STRONG AND GUSTY WINDS.
* WINDS...WEST 15 TO 25 MPH WITH GUSTS UP TO 50 MPH.
* TIMING...WEST WINDS WILL BE STRONGEST DURING THE AFTERNOON
HOURS TODAY. WINDS WILL DIMINISH GRADUALLY INTO THE EVENING
HOURS.
* IMPACTS...STRONG AND GUSTY WINDS WILL EASILY BLOW ABOUT
LIGHTER ITEMS SUCH AS TRASH CANS. THESE STRONG WINDS CAN ALSO
KNOCK DOWN SMALL TREE LIMBS AND BRANCHES. WINDS THIS STRONG
CAN ALSO MAKE DRIVING DIFFICULT...ESPECIALLY FOR HIGH PROFILE
VEHICLES. USE EXTRA CAUTION.
PRECAUTIONARY/PREPAREDNESS ACTIONS...
A WIND ADVISORY IS ISSUED WHEN SUSTAINED WINDS ARE FORECAST TO BE
31 TO 39 MPH OR GUSTS WILL RANGE BETWEEN 46 AND 57 MPH. WINDS
THIS STRONG ARE CAPABLE OF DOWNING SMALL TREE LIMBS AND
BRANCHES...POSSIBLY CAUSING ISOLATED POWER OUTAGES. DRIVING CAN
ALSO BE DIFFICULT...ESPECIALLY FOR HIGH PROFILE VEHICLES.
...Transmission Begins...
...Transmission Begins...
Studio Announcer: "And now, we here at Action Central News bring you on the scene coverage from our part-time reporter in the field, Rob Dumbasapost. Rob? Can you hear me alright from where I sit, here in this wonderfully heated and perfectly comfortable studio? Can you tell us what's going on out there?"
Rob: "Yeah, I can hear you fine, you son of a... I mean, yes, I hear you. I'm just hoping you can hear me above the howl of the wind out here! As you can see, I'm leaning into the wind at quite an extreme angle and it's holding me upright quite easily, that's how strong the wind is! Looks like Marcel Marceau wasted all that schooling and practice, all he had to do was come out into a New England gale, John!"
Studio Announcer: "Yes, I see. Well, can you tell us anything else about the weather, Rob? Something interesting, perhaps?"
Rob: "Interesting? I'll give you interesting, you snooty... I mean, uh, well, if you look behind me here, you can see the tops of the trees really whiping down toward the ground in the force of the winds... Whoa! Did you see that? That one there was just uprooted! Did we get that on camera? (the camera view nods up and down) Yes? Excellent!"
Studio Announcer: "Yeah... that's great, Rob. Now I know you're just a part-time reporter, and you've really only been trained as a letter-carrier, but do you think you could find something interesting for the people at home to see?"
Rob: "Sure, I've got something interesting for you! Why don't you meet me down in the parkin-"
Studio Announcer: "Uh, Rob, is that someone there behind you? Could you do an interview?"
Rob: "Yes! Yes it is! Ladies and gentlemen, we have here a man out here, braving the elements and the power of the wind to... to... Well, sir, why don't you tell us what brought you out in this terrific wind this afternoon?"
Old Man: "I just came out here to tell you about a guy I saw a little while ago. He was out here in the wind too, but he wasn't like us guys. This guy was a real dumbass."
Rob: "I beg your pardon?"
Old Man "A dumbass. This guy was out here in all this wind, see, and he was holding a bunch of paper on his arm. You know, magazines and big envelopes and stuff, and he had 'em all stacked up on his arm! In this wind! And it wasn't like he could hold 'em with that hand or anything, 'cuz he had a big stack of other paper in that hand too! Letters, and stuff like that, and the wind was whipping it all around, you know, trying to snatch it away from him, and he was all fighting with everything, trying not to drop anything, and I have to say that he looked like a real dumbass!"
Rob: "Okay, I think we're done here-"
Studio Announcer: "Rob? Could you ask him just who he was describing to you? That description just sounded really familiar."
Rob: "Seriously? ...Fine. Fine. Sir? Can you tell me who you are going to such lengths to describe?"
Old Man: "Why, my mailman, of course!"
Rob: "Um, sir? You know that I'm only a part-time reporter, right? And that in my 'day job' I'm a mailman, sir?"
Old Man: "Sure, I know that."
Rob: "And, in fact, I'm, uh, I'm your mailman, sir?"
Old Man: "Yup."
Rob: "So what you're saying is... I mean... well, basically, you're standing there and, uh, calling me-"
Old Man: "A dumbass. Yup."
Rob: "Well, I guess that's back to you, John. ...John? Hello? Uh, I'm turning it back over to you at the station, John. ...(tapping microphone) Is thing thing on?"
Studio Announcer: "I don't think so, Rob."
Rob: "What?"
Studio Announcer: "I'm not taking the show back to the station. This is just too good to miss. Please, go on with the interview."
Rob: "What?"
Old Man: "You dumbass."
Rob: "Okay, that's it! (looking past the camera at the cameraman, making a slashing motion across his throat with one hand) Cut it! Cut the damn feed! (lunging toward the camera) Cut it I said!"
Old Man: "Dumbass!"
(The camera view tips sideways, bounces, and the feed becomes nothing but static and white noise)
...Transmission Ends... We now return you to the Questions Series already in progress...
Talk to you later!
Studio Announcer: "Yeah... that's great, Rob. Now I know you're just a part-time reporter, and you've really only been trained as a letter-carrier, but do you think you could find something interesting for the people at home to see?"
Rob: "Sure, I've got something interesting for you! Why don't you meet me down in the parkin-"
Studio Announcer: "Uh, Rob, is that someone there behind you? Could you do an interview?"
Rob: "Yes! Yes it is! Ladies and gentlemen, we have here a man out here, braving the elements and the power of the wind to... to... Well, sir, why don't you tell us what brought you out in this terrific wind this afternoon?"
Old Man: "I just came out here to tell you about a guy I saw a little while ago. He was out here in the wind too, but he wasn't like us guys. This guy was a real dumbass."
Rob: "I beg your pardon?"
Old Man "A dumbass. This guy was out here in all this wind, see, and he was holding a bunch of paper on his arm. You know, magazines and big envelopes and stuff, and he had 'em all stacked up on his arm! In this wind! And it wasn't like he could hold 'em with that hand or anything, 'cuz he had a big stack of other paper in that hand too! Letters, and stuff like that, and the wind was whipping it all around, you know, trying to snatch it away from him, and he was all fighting with everything, trying not to drop anything, and I have to say that he looked like a real dumbass!"
Rob: "Okay, I think we're done here-"
Studio Announcer: "Rob? Could you ask him just who he was describing to you? That description just sounded really familiar."
Rob: "Seriously? ...Fine. Fine. Sir? Can you tell me who you are going to such lengths to describe?"
Old Man: "Why, my mailman, of course!"
Rob: "Um, sir? You know that I'm only a part-time reporter, right? And that in my 'day job' I'm a mailman, sir?"
Old Man: "Sure, I know that."
Rob: "And, in fact, I'm, uh, I'm your mailman, sir?"
Old Man: "Yup."
Rob: "So what you're saying is... I mean... well, basically, you're standing there and, uh, calling me-"
Old Man: "A dumbass. Yup."
Rob: "Well, I guess that's back to you, John. ...John? Hello? Uh, I'm turning it back over to you at the station, John. ...(tapping microphone) Is thing thing on?"
Studio Announcer: "I don't think so, Rob."
Rob: "What?"
Studio Announcer: "I'm not taking the show back to the station. This is just too good to miss. Please, go on with the interview."
Rob: "What?"
Old Man: "You dumbass."
Rob: "Okay, that's it! (looking past the camera at the cameraman, making a slashing motion across his throat with one hand) Cut it! Cut the damn feed! (lunging toward the camera) Cut it I said!"
Old Man: "Dumbass!"
(The camera view tips sideways, bounces, and the feed becomes nothing but static and white noise)
...Transmission Ends... We now return you to the Questions Series already in progress...
Talk to you later!
too funny!
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