Monday, January 23, 2017

The Secret Laws

Greetings, WYMOP readers!
This week I thought I’d share with you a group of natural laws no one talks about . . . but everyone knows. Off the top of my head, some of them are:

  1. Sarcasm is hereditary. Dammit.
  2. There are people out there who will never simply know that it’s hot enough for you.
  3. Whenever a specialist—any kind of specialist, computer, mechanical, medical, whatever—makes any kind of non-verbal vocalization (grunt, mhmm, ah, etc.), they are trying to figure out how many zeroes to attach to your bill.
    1. Being aware of this, one may begin to weep at this point. It won’t do you any good, but crying releases endorphins, which will make you feel better, so go ahead: sob away.
  4. Yes, windshield wipers are designed to wear away faster on the driver’s side, at the approximate height of the driver’s line of sight, leaving the passenger with an unobstructed view of the back of the stopped bus they are hurtling toward that the driver cannot see.
    1. One effective—if expensive—fix for this, is to special order windscreen wipers from England, where the driver’s seat is on the right-hand side of the vehicle. Three months after installation your passenger won’t be able to see anything, but @#$% them, they should have warned you about that bus.
  5. Politics brings out the best in people.
    1. Hahahahahaha . . . no, not really. I just wanted to see if you were paying attention.
  6. Insisting again and again to someone that they are angry is an almost sure way to wind up right. And in the emergency room. So you’ll have won the argument, but at what cost? You’ll find out later, but the doctor who set your broken nose and is even now stitching your split lip just said “mhmm,” so start weeping. You’ll feel better. (Please see #3 above.)
  7. Waitstaff appear at your table the instant your mouth is full. It’s not in the training, and they don’t do it intentionally; it’s simply a natural law. This is the reason we, as a people, tend to go out to dinner in groups of two or more. The inverse can also be true, and this is why sometimes, when a couple eats alternatively (one taking a bite, then the other, and so forth), they complain of never seeing the waitstaff. It’s not their fault; it’s a natural law.
    1. For persons who habitually dine alone, I am preparing some printed cards to bring to dinner, bearing phrases such as:
      • Everything’s great, thanks!
      • I’ll have another Coke/Diet Coke/Pepsi/Sprite, please.
      • I have a nut allergy and I seem to have forgotten my EpiPen. Quick—call an ambu-awk . . . gasp . . .

I think that’s enough for now, but I may post more of these in the future, if enough occur to me.
Dammit! One more did just occur to me! I’ll hold onto it for the next Secret Laws installment, but before I go write it down, I’ll share the Secret Meta-law you see in effect:
  1. As soon as you say a list is complete, you will always, always think of another thing to add.

Talk to you later!

No comments:

Post a Comment