Monday, July 11, 2016

Hunting Bigfoots. Bigfeet? Feets? Uh . . .

Greetings, WYMOP readers!
Some of you, if you’re paying attention, may have noticed I write a monthly column over at Cinema Knife Fight, called (and you’ll find a link over in the sidebar) “Monster Movie Madness.” It’s a little thing where I review—wait for it—that’s right, monster movies. I have a lot of fun with it.
Along the way I've taken a ride in the world's hairiest police cruiser in  Wolfcop, and witnessed a German-style zompocalypse with Extinction: the GMO Chronicles. I've watched a young William Shatner in Kingdom of the Spiders, and an old Lance Henriksen in Harbinger Down. I've watched things come from underground in Cowboys vs Dinosaurs, under the sea in Deep Rising, and down under in Wyrmwood: Road of the Dead. I've even gone so far as to compare two versions of the same movie filmed 32 years apart with Willard, 1971 and 2003.
I've  reviewed zombies, werewolves, and leprechauns. I visited Westworld where I went Buck Wild, then had to Pay The Ghost to get  Uncaged.
Hell, I’ve even watched Paul Bunyan a time or two.
The question was: what was I going to do next? I seem to like zombie and werewolf movies, but I was looking for a little variety: my readers probably don’t want to read about the same thing all the time. So I turned to my son, and said, “Quick, boy, give me a monster!”
Huh?” he said, not quite a high point in teen repartee.
“A monster,” I said. “Just off the top of your head, give me a monster.”
Now, I was expecting something like vampire. I wouldn't have been surprised to hear zombie come out of his mouth. But he gazed at me with a puzzled look on his face, shrugged, and said, “I don't know . . . Bigfoot?”
Bigfoot. To be honest, I can't recall ever seeing a Bigfoot  flick. it would be different, that was for sure. I clapped the boy on the shoulder, thank him heartily, and walked out of his room, leaving  the bewildered teenager gazing after me. He'll figure it out.
Well . . . maybe.
So I started searching for a Bigfoot film to review. Did it have to be great? No, of course not. The column is set firmly in the world of movie monsters, and most of them fit comfortably in with the B-level films. All the same, this is going to be my first Bigfoot flick, so I wanted it to be good. Note: I was spurred on in this quest for a decent Sasquatch movie by SL, one of my fellow Cinema Knife Fight reviewers. SL writes the Trashterpiece Theater column, and she wrote a terrific review of Exists. Now I haven't actually seen Exists yet, but after that review I know there are good Bigfoot films out there.
They’re out there. I know it.
I started to look at Throwback, a film featuring the Yowie, Australia’s own answer to Bigfoot. Strangely, although it is available on Amazon, I can’t find it on the Internet Movie Data Base (IMDB). Hmm . . .
I moved on to Snowbeast. Amazon said it was made in 2013, and I liked the premise: a small town in Colorado, terrorized by a two-legged beastie who eats skiers! I spent almost two hours downloading the movie into my Kindle so I could watch it on a plane . . . and then at 30,000 feet I discovered Snowbeast had only been digitally remastered in 2013. It had been released in 1977, and starred a stiff Bo Svenson.
I fell asleep. So much for terror at 30,000 feet.
Just today I had someone suggest Suburban Sasquatch. I thanked them heartily and checked it out. I found the official trailer on YouTube, and . . . no. Just no. I managed to pause the trailer at just the right time to see the incredible gorilla suit they’d slapped on an actor to use for a Bigfoot, and one of the things I noticed right away was that the nipples were painted on.
Nipples. Painted. On. Badly.
So I’ve come to realize that my quest for a decent Bigfoot film might just be like the cryptozoologist’s quest to find the real thing: filled with frustrating bits of circumstantial evidence and leads that fail to pan out. If you’ve ever seen a halfway-decent movie about the Bigfoot, Sasquatch, Yeti, Yowie, or any of the other incarnations of the missing link mythos, or you know someone who has, please, let me know, would you? Hell, I’m about ready to settle for a decent home movie of your uncle with the hairy back, as long as he’s facing away from the camera.
Talk to you later!

Just so you know what I’m dealing with, here’s a quick little clip I found on YouTube that was titled Suburban Sasquatch—the Best Part.
Feel my pain.

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